Oftentimes you don’t even realize you’re blocking your own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.
It’s always necessary to accept when some part of your life has reached its inevitable end. Closing the door, completing the chapter, turning the page, etc. It doesn’t matter what you title it; what matters is that you find the strength to leave in the past those former parts of your life that are over, and those little ideals in your mind that simply aren’t meant to be.
Throughout the past decade, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the most common cause of human frustration on the average day is our stubborn propensity to hold on to things long after it’s time to let go. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.
So let’s take a look at some common things we often regret holding on to until the bitter end…
1. The way things “should be” today.
Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
2. The way things used to be.
You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, again, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.
3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.
Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.
4. That subtle desire to change the unchangeable.
Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
5. The fantasy of a perfect path (or time to begin).
Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.
6. The need for constant comfort and familiarity.
Everything gets a bit uncomfortable when it’s time for a change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, step by step. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced in the long run. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.
7. Relationships that always make you feel less like yourself.
Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself, you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And remember that in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be. (Note: Angel and I discuss strategies for living true to these words in the Relationships chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
8. Those old chapters that are still lingering half-open.
You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really…you loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a wise person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page.
An exercise for letting go, and breathing…
In each of the aforementioned points above, the mind holds on tight to something — an ideal — that isn’t real. And after awhile the inevitable happens: unnecessary stress ensues.
So how can we stop holding on so tight?
There are many ways, but right now let’s begin by letting everything breathe…
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are… so you can be on your way. This is the foundation of what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to let go and let things breathe, so you can open yourself up to the next real and present chapter of your life. But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
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Nanette says
Oh Marc & Angel, just how awesome you guys are!!
This is such a wonderful post, something I am trying to do right now. Recently I have been so busy that I have forgotten to simply let go and let some things breathe. Gratitude.
Charlotte says
Thank you marc&angel this article was very helpful and much needed appreciate you guys much love!
Beejoo says
Wow! I needed this message. Which point stuck all the most? – All of them! Every. Single. Point. Each one hit me in my soul. I receive this and will make the breathing exercise a part of my nightly routine (started NOW) to help me let go (!) of the “tape” of the days’ events I used to replay in my head. I let go.
Charoo says
Thank you for this inspiring article. It can be achieved with practice and will power
Nancy says
I need to let go of some less important obligations…to take time to love my husband and not take him for granted in his 70th year. I need to take time and let loose and have more fun.
Jo says
“…it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.” I needed to hear this today.
SUNNY MILLS says
You give us a wonderful gift by reminding us of things that we might already know, but need to keep top of mind! Thank you! The point on breathing at the end really struck a chord with me.
Arun Dongrey says
M & A
There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it.
How right you are…
Monique says
Just today I had an unsatisfactory conversation with an old friend I feel sad about because our lives are so different than when we met. I try to understand her better so we can find new ways to relate. The tug between trying to grow into a new level of relating thru heartfelt empathy and letting go is fierce! I am 81 and have lost so many others to death that I fear another great loss.
Diana Everett says
Monique, I am age 74 and can relate to your multiple losses and disillusionment with a current friendship. Lifelong friendships can change as we age and become unhealthy. We remain in the friendship out of loyalty and due to so many other losses in life.
I just disconnected from two acquaintances who were causing negativity and stress and was not very graceful (to say the least) about ending one of the connections, as the person was attempting to emotionally blackmail me.
I moved out of state 17 years ago and kept in contact with old friends at former location until after a near-death hospitalization at which point became aware of some codependent behavior and did some serious friendship weeding.
Hopefully you can gradually and undramatically decrease contact with your former close friend and try to make more compatible associations going forward.
One does not always need to have a “best friend” but can associate with those who have similar values and are inclusive. This type of low-level social engagement is superior for mental health to a close but one-sided or negative, unsupportive, or incompatible friendship.
Aging is challenging enough without unnecessary negativity.
Christina says
Amazing – so insightful and yet simple to practice! Why then don’t we remember to do it on a daily basis – I will do better.
Thank you also for the reminder that we do bring in peace by simply letting go and so helpful to remember after losing my darling husband a little over a year ago. This new life’s chapter is to let go and enjoy while being grateful for the love and life that God gives me.
Thank you again.
mick jensen says
For me, an important point here is : “your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced”.
I’m trying to break more into freelance creative writing, and it’s tough. I know it’s a competitive world out there, and plenty of people have been doing it longer than me. The reality is that every time I write, I’m learning, growing and able to take the knockbacks less personally.
Maryann says
“When I’m no longer able to change a situation, I am challenged to change myself-to grow beyond the unchangeable”. A powerful reminder to continue moving forward despite the fact that my only adult child has died. My life will never be the same but I must take this pain and let it transform me… I no longer have him in my life, and that is unchangeable. I now must grow beyond the unchangeable. It’s a bittersweet pill I need to swallow.
Gray says
Maryann – I am in the same boat. 12 years out and it’s still hard to accept. It is a VERY hard pill to swallow. All we can do is our best…
Corinne says
Maryann.I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through. Just know that there are many of us praying for you. May God guide you and comfort you.
Gray says
Thank you for this one today.
I needed to hear it. I hold on to so much, and have been waiting for the perfect path to resume a project. I have to just DO IT.
Evelyn says
So many points are useful. ‘ can t pick one. You always choose helpful information– and write it in a way that is clear– and motivating.
Yet I personally still procrastinate on a lot of things. I need to keep rereading your posts. As it gives me the seeds to change. And bit by bit I’m able to start to transform how I see things. And lift myself to the Beauty and Peace that can be in my Life if I stop resisting what is.
Nancy says
This is awesome !!!!!! Love you guys …..your post is perfect timing
for myself .
Sahabi Abdul Rasheed says
Very inspiring
Syd says
8. Those old chapters that are still lingering half-open.
I wish I can learn to accept things as they come. I want to let go of drinking for my love…
Rose says
Excellent article. I am practicing these things now… letting go sets you free!
Megladon says
Thank you very much Marc and Angel for this energising essay. I was having very tough day this morning, but just like from 5 or 6 years, your articles helps me get through to life, it again helped me today. Coincidentally point 8 was all I needed, and yes that chapter needs to be closed. The ideal that I hold on to in relationships aren’t helping me. Your essay helped me to be more pragmatic and let things go that I can’t change and redirect my energy to things I can. Thank you very much again.
Lila John says
Marc and Angel, This is an awesome article. I am trying to practice this for some time and it has helped me a lot for remaining peaceful. Your article has given me more insight. Thank you
Elizabeth Scott says
Reading about letting go and letting everything breath is just what I need at the present. Love reading your posts…so full of wisdom. Thank you.
Lou says
Yes great insight as always
Toyota says
LET GO article opened my eyes. I’ve been yearning for a new life after my husband’s death. I was looking for him in every man but to no avail. I’ll let him go. I need more about pro’s and con’s of online dating. More on dating someone in overseas countries. I’m in SA. Your articles are refreshing and rejuvenating.
Kevin says
I have always found change very difficult to deal with . I am a bit of a control freak. Hence learning these lessons is very important with regards to my personal development .
Dr. Wilson Varghese says
Beautiful article. I have used some of these principles in my life and find it the best way forward in life.
Tawanda says
I for one have been holding on to something hoping it will go my way .After my wife left me l would accept it one moment then the next l would picture us back together.
After reading your article l now feel different,yes ,things will never be the same .The breathing technique made me see everything now from a different perspective and l think after doing like you suggested l felt different afterwards.
Thanks very much .There is so much in the world than to hold on for something that has ended .
Lawal Musa says
Very interesting
Timothy says
I find this write-up very eye opening. The truth is, life is hard and tainted with malevolence..but as the article rightly observed, SOMETIMES JUST BREATH NATURALLY in all your aspects of life portals
Cheri Lind says
Thank you for this article. #8 resonated with me the most. The hardest lesson for me this past year was after retiring, thinking my relationships would co-workers and those I supported would still be the same…they were not. What I had to learn for myself was that I had changed, those relationships no longer fed my needs and I needed to open a new door. I look forward to your articles each day.
Timothy Patrick Kimmel Jr says
Thank you. I’ve been practicing exactly what your article hit upon; once I realized there is no point being with someone that expects conformity instead of appreciation of self no matter how much you think you love or need them. Torturing one’s self or them trying to be somebody you’re not is a waste of time and immensely frustrating, letting go is key and realizing there is nothing to forgive or take personally, just a series of often prolonged miscommunication.