Love is great when spoken, but greatest when shown. Do little things daily to show your loved ones you care.
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting on a park bench in the early afternoon when an elderly couple pulled their car up under a nearby oak tree. They rolled down the windows and turned up some jazz music on the car stereo. Then the man got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, opened the door for the woman, took her hand and guided her about ten feet away from the car, and they slow danced to a song under the oak tree. It was such a beautiful moment to witness.
This morning when I opened my laptop to write, the elderly couple immediately came to mind. I spent a few minutes daydreaming about them, wondering how long they had been together and what their best relationship advice would be. And just as I caught my mind wandering even further off, a new email from a reader named Cory popped up in my inbox. The first line of the email was a question: “Any good old-fashioned advice for strengthening our relationships?”
The synchronicity of my daydreaming and Cory’s question made me smile. So in honor of that beautiful elderly couple, and in service of Cory’s relationship inquiry, here are some old-fashioned habits we can practice bringing back into our relationships:
1. Spend quality time together with no major agenda and no technology.
Put down the smart phone, close the laptop and enjoy each other’s company, face to face the old fashioned way. There are few joys in life that equal a good conversation, a genuine laugh, a long walk, a friendly dance, or a big hug shared by two people who care about each other. Sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary just by doing them with the right people. So choose to be around these people, and choose to make the most of your time together.
Don’t wait to make big plans either. Make your undistracted time together the plan. Communicate openly on a regular basis. Get together in the flesh as often as possible. Not because it’s convenient to do so, but because you know each other are worth the extra effort.
2. Be fully present when you’re in the presence of others.
One of the best feelings in the world is knowing your presence and absence both mean something to someone. And the only way to let your loved ones know this, is to show them when you’re with them. In your relationships and interactions with others, nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention — your full presence. Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event is the ultimate compliment. It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to another human being.
So keep in mind that your friends and family are too beautiful to ignore. Give them the gift of YOU starting today — your time, undivided attention, and kindness. That’s better than any other gift, it won’t break or get lost, and will always be remembered. (Read “A Return to Love”.)
3. Express your sincere appreciation for loved ones every chance you get.
No matter how sure you are of someone’s appreciation and admiration, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. So if you appreciate someone today, tell them. Just because they are super reliable and always there when you need them, doesn’t mean you should fail to give thanks and appreciation on a regular basis. To value someone too lightly is to risk missing the depth of their goodness before they’re gone.
Sadly, it is often only when we are tragically reminded of how short life is — when someone we love dies — that we start to appreciate the importance of expressing our love openly. Let this lesson sink in now. Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell the people you love how much you appreciate them.
4. Work together and help each other grow.
There is no soul mate or best friend out there who will solve all your problems. There is no love at first sight that lasts without work and commitment. There are, however, people out there worth fighting for. Not because they’re perfect, but because they’re imperfect in all the ways that are right for you — you compliment each other’s flaws in a way that allows your souls to unite and operate more efficiently as one…
You will know when you meet one of these people, when through them you meet the very best in yourself.
5. Focus on inner beauty.
When you get to really know someone, most of their prominent physical characteristics vanish in your mind. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize their scent, and appreciate their wit. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell.
That’s why you can’t fall in love with physical beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, or want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body for a little while, but not your heart in the long-term. Thus, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, most physical imperfections become irrelevant.
6. Tell the truth.
Too many prefer gentle lies to hard truths. But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie. And lying is a cumulative process too, so be careful…
What starts as a small, seemingly innocent lie (possibly even with the intention of not hurting anyone) quickly spirals into an mounting false reality. We lie to one another, but even more so we lie to ourselves most often to protect our oh-so-fragile ego. We may even be inclined to lie to ourselves while reading this, not wanting to admit how often we have eluded the truth. (Read “The Four Agreements”.)
7. Apologize when you know you should.
Take personal responsibility for your wrong doings. If you know your actions or words have hurt someone you care about, immediately admit your faults and face the reality of your actions. Sincere apologies are the super glue of lasting relationships.
And do make sure your apology is sincere too. Say it and mean it. Don’t bother apologizing if you’re just going to continue doing the things you said sorry for. Never ruin an apology with an excuse. Excuses are not apologies.
8. Work out your relationship issues with each other, not with others.
This may seem obvious, but these days it’s worth mentioning: Don’t post negatively about a loved one on social media. 14-year-old school kids post negatively about their boyfriends, girlfriends, and friends on social media. It’s a catty way to get attention and vent, when the emotionally healthy response is to talk your grievances over with them directly when the time is right.
Furthermore, relationships don’t always make perfect sense, especially from the outside. So don’t let outsiders run your relationships for you. If you’re having a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM and no one else. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
9. Be a force of positivity and encouragement.
Elevate your inner game. A negative attitude is way below your horizon!
Our way of thinking creates good or bad outcomes. It makes a big difference in your life and the lives around you when you stay reasonably focused on the positive. And remember, being positive does not mean ignoring the negative — being positive means overcoming the negative. There is a big difference between the two.
So encourage the best possible results with your thoughts, words, and deeds every chance you get. And teach this philosophy to those around you too. Help them see the light.
10. Over-deliver on your promises.
Be committed. Commitment means staying devoted, and keeping your promises long after the time and mood you made the promises in has left you. Doing so is vital to your relationships and long-term success in every imaginable walk of life.
In other words, don’t just say it, show it. Don’t just promise it, prove it. Over-deliver on all your promises! Supply more than what’s required. Or as Anne Frank once said, “No one has ever become poor by giving.” Whenever you can, go out of your way and do something nice and unexpected for the people in your life, especially those who are in no position to repay you anytime soon.
11. Be loyal.
Stand by those you care about in their darkest moments, not because you want to stand in the dark, but because you don’t want them to either. Brave the shadows alongside them until they’re able to find the light. On the flip-side, stand by these same people on their sunniest days, not because you want to scorch your skin, but because you’re not afraid to let them shine bright.
Bottom line: Be loyal. Remaining faithful in your relationships is never an option, but a priority. Loyalty means the world to the people who love you. When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down. You can’t promise to be there for someone for the rest of their life, but you can sincerely be there for them for the rest of yours.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to reflect on relationship habits above, and to start practicing them. Also, it’s a perfect time to reflect on your most recent birthday celebrations and gift-exchanging holidays, and the fact that as you grow older and wiser, your gift wish lists keep getting smaller and smaller, because the things you really want and need — time, genuine relationships, meaningful moments, and peace of mind — can’t be bought. So do your best to connect with the people you love the old-fashioned way, and bring more meaning into your life in the days and weeks ahead.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this article. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the relationship habits or points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Dianne Whitehead says
I loved this article! I have been married 49 years to the same man and I can unreservedly say that there’s so much truth in there. Here’s one I would add: enjoy new things together. Shared new experiences are important to keep the relationship fresh and keep it from getting hum drum or stale.
Ana says
I loved every bit of your writing. I have been married for a decade and can say that nothing beats the beauty of spending quality time with the one you love.
Winnie says
This is beautiful advice, Angel and Marc. Even at 79, I am inspired by this. Thank you!
Karen D Myers says
Amen, Winnie! Me, too! Absolutely inspirational for me at nearly 72 ?
Harold says
Loved reading these today, a lot of good memories in all of them even though my Love has passed. Thank you M&A and God Bless.
J says
Great reminders I agree with at 62. Also, have your dinners at a small table together. You won’t believe the difference it makes!
Margi says
This article hit home. Being present with family and friends is very important to me. No phones or TV’s, these things steal your time and you can’t get that time or memory back.
We’ve been married 55 years, high school sweethearts. Even though we are not those youngsters we are still enjoying life, we are blessed with good health, family and friends and every new day which we are allowed to wake up in. Don’t sweat the small stuff…thanks for this lovely written reminder.
June says
Work together and help each other grow. That one is very important. We will be celebrating our 45th anniversary this year. There have been so many changes for both of us through the years.
As for myself, it was a reminder to be supportive with positive change. On the flip side, I should be more patient with changes I view as negative. Everyone has ups and downs in life. Each one is a growing experience. I cannot see into the future and sometimes my negativity does not need to be voiced.
Paul Christmen says
Excellent article with great words of wisdom. We all have ups and downs throughout life. So this article is a hugh reminder of how to be and who to be. Absolutely loved it!! My wife and I just celebrated 36 years. We also have three boys and a super close relationship with them.
Jeri Curtis says
Thank you. Your posts are excellent and important.
My friend and I spent the afternoon together. We were like the couple you saw. My spouse was at home reading and I was lonely. It was a good afternoon.
Dawn Hasen says
Your article was beautifully written and though it was written with couples in mind, it could very well be applied to any relationship one might have. The one that resonated with me was about physical looks and how unimportant they become over time.
Robin Litman says
This is so spot-on! I could not agree more.
I am so grateful at 66 years old to have had not one, but two great loves in my life! I am a widow and with my current partner who is also widowed. We have been together for 6 and 1/2 years. We both had and still celebrate the beautiful marriages that we had before our partners from those marriages transitioned.
So the one thing that I would add especially for anyone in a situation like I am in with my partner is to celebrate not only the love that you have for each other now but continue to celebrate your partners from your previous marriages! We both look at the love that we have now as a beautiful Second Chance for LOVE, in fact we named our SV 38-ft Gulf Star Second Chances! His first marriage was 42 years, mine was 33 years! We are both extremely grateful that the universe brought us together and know that our departed spouses were instrumental.
Betty T says
Wow!! This is beautiful. I couldn’t imagine such a thing happening. Celebrating the earlier relationships has defeated me.
Renee says
I read this wonderful article after having afternoon tea on the back porch with my husband of 41 years . We watched the birds come to the feeder, planned out the rest of the day, and laughed a little. These pointers are spot on. Thank you!
Joan McCabe says
I’ve been doing these things for years.
Also, I don’t know that I would call them Old Fashioned. Oh, Wait a moment, I’m in my 60s and have been doing these things since I was a Teenager.
Often when We (family & friends) hear a Song; We’ll Stop the Vehicle, Crank Up the Music, Get Out and DANCE & SING (we live in a rural countryside)!
Thanks for the Memories and Reminders!
Rhanda Frederick says
I really appreciate you guys writing this article. What stuck with me the most us being there for someone without bothering about or looking at the time, as it’s so precious and this fast paced world forces us to watch the clock, since it feels like our lives are just scheduled. It’s true that the older we get the more we realize that it’s the little things that matter the most.
L says
The old-school way! I Loved the story about the couple listening to some jazz, he opens the door and they dance… beautiful reminder!
Lisa says
#2 Resonates with me. I struggle to be fully present when with loved ones myself, yet I am guilty of the same thing and find myself get frustrated when others aren’t fully present either. It really is time to put away the cell phone.
Victoria Tuffour says
Great piece and valuable reminders to glean from. Have been married for 29 years and each day presents an opportunity to improve our relationship
and points raised are great to reflect on to improve my relationship. Thanks
Jan says
There are things I’ve learned about my five decade plus marriage… mostly in hindsight. Today I’ve had more confirmation from this article that practices such as these have been largely absent.
I appreciate the articles you write. Thank you!
Mary Fuqua says
So touching and timely. I was once young and now I am old. Our Lord Jesus left us with His prayer to the Father that we love one another.
Nothing is greater. May we all listen and obey. God bless you.
Terri Mullany says
This is the perfect advice to help people to find their inner child, to embrace life to the full because at the end of the day we came here to
Live, Learn and then we leave.
Best wishes from Terri Mullany from Perth, Western Australia.
Sabareesh says
Thank you so much. It is what I really needed now.
Dale says
This rang true for my husband and I as he almost died a little over a week ago. He only had a 15 percent chance and survived, We are so relieved he lived and appreciate our relationship and life so much more every day. Sometimes it takes a major wake up call to learn something so important. He now has a new lease on life and we will make the best of it.Thanks for all your daily advice to improve our quality of life. You are both so special to share your wisdom. Know that you make a wonderful difference for many people everyday.
Shirley says
I’m grateful to have some across this article. It is spot on. I appreciate that you have managed to capture the most important reminders in relationships. It’s the little things that matter. Point #1 resonated with me and I feel #1 & #2 almost go hand in hand in my experiences. I loved reading this article and the comments were great as well. I will definitely keep coming back to this article for reminders. Thank you!
ER says
Beautifully written. Very sound advice. Love it!
Elise says
Stand by those you care about who are in the darkness, until they are in the light…
Thank you for these words. I cared for my husband until I was no longer able to cope with his dementia at home. I need to remember when I visit him in the Care Home to be fully and lovingly present until our Lord God takes him to be with him.
Becca says
As I am about to be married, I loved reading all of these and appreciate the advice! Thank you!
Joy says
Marc & Angel, Thank you so much for this amazing article on 11 Old-Fashioned Relationship Habits. I recently lost my closest friend and as I read this article, I found myself saying “these habits can also apply to our closest friends!” Awesome!!! I love the work you are doing to help make the world a better place! Thank you again!
Efrain says
Great reminder. I truly remember those days when couples (or groups) spent genuine time with one another, without distractions, especially by constant artificial intelligence. It truly is about the simple and genuine connections that make a great impact and difference. Thanks for this piece.
Maggie Moran says
Thank you for giving us info to reflect on. I have always made important relationships a priority in my life. I am a self help person and so tend to continue to work on me. I’m a widow, a mom, a grandma now too. I just retired. I’m 67. I have so much to be grateful for. I truly appreciate my family and friends. I hope to keep nurturing them and keep them special as long as I am able to do my part.
Know your work is much appreciated and admired.
Carmine Stoffo says
This article and the accompanying comments make such perfect sense. My wife Mary, and I were married for nearly 70 years when I unfortunately lost her to kidney failure. She died peacefully in my arms at the hospital. It is only the memories of
the things we did all those years that keeps me going. Life goes on. Make the best of it. Contribute your experience and love to those around you. Celebrate with your children and grandchildren if you are lucky enough to have them in your life. Remember. What you share with those around you will become your lasting legacy. Make it a memorable one. God Bless.
Jan Allan says
I really enjoyed your article & as I age I realise more that is the person not the external package that matters. Spending afternoons with my husband of 43 years looking at nature, watching our cat & chatting & laughing about life, being fully present, is whats precious in life.
Carol Huff says
What a beautiful article. It has so much truth to it. Thanks for sharing!
Angel Papali says
Thank you for this article. It is a good reminder that we shouldn’t take things for granted. Keeping relationships alive and current is key to deep fulfillment. The present day scenario does tend to make us slip into interactions that tend to be for the moment and can seem cavalier. However, we feel the effects immediately. The lack of depth in our dealings with each other bring dissatisfaction and a sense of loneliness. As a woman who is just 64 and married for 42 years, I am more sensitive to this fact. The reminders in this article are good to keep in mind and easy to follow. Simple remedies can make our love whole again. So, thank you for the well written advice. God bless you & keep you happy.
Harry says
40yrs into 2nd marriage and so much in love. 1st was before ThePill. Lust not love. 18 yrs of which probaly 15 were ok between fights.
Totall endorse you. We are 76 and me 82. Life has never been better. Need to work at being un busy and un phone.!!!!! VIP when life finished too late to If Only.
H & H
Nenette says
Such a lovely article…very timely as reminder for our yong generation.
Faith says
Very enlightening. Thank you very much for this article.
Sarah Strawn says
This whole article resonated as a reminder. LIFE IS NOW.
I appreciate and hope to read more.
I AM GRATEFUL.
Married 34 years and the dancing and sharing a laugh in the everyday moments little moments are precious.