On the average day happiness is letting go of what you assume life is supposed to be like, and sincerely appreciating it for everything it is.
Over the past decade, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.
For example, there are a number of times when our minds cling to unhelpful ideals…
- Life isn’t suppose to be this way, I need it to be different
- There is only one thing I want, I can’t be happy without it
- I am absolutely right, the other person is absolutely wrong
- This person should love me, and want to be with me
- I should not be alone, should not be overweight, should not be exactly how I am right now, etc.
In all of these common examples the mind holds on tight to something—an ideal—that isn’t real. And after awhile the inevitable happens—lots of unnecessary stress, anxiety, unhappiness, self-righteousness, self-hate, and depressive emotions ensue.
So how can we stop holding on so tight?
By realizing that there’s almost nothing to hold on to in the first place.
Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, certain, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or at least partially imagined in our minds. Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we remind ourselves of this and live accordingly.
Today, let’s practice doing just that…
1. Practice letting everything breathe.
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.
2. Practice accepting your present reality, and just floating.
Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.
Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.
Truth be told, inner peace begins the moment you take a new breath and choose not to allow an uncontrollable event to dominate you in the present. You are not what happened to you. You are what you choose to become in this moment. Let go, breathe, and begin again. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
3. Practice challenging the stories you keep telling yourself.
Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we simply took the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” A wonderful way to do this is by using a reframing tool we initially picked up from research professor Brene Brown, which we then tailored through our coaching work with students and live event attendees. We call the tool The story I’m telling myself. Although asking the question itself—“What else could this mean?”—can help reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase The story I’m telling myself as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created many “aha moments” for our students and clients in recent times.
Here’s how it works: The story I’m telling myself can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you. For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you or text you when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase: The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me because I’m not a high enough priority to them.
Then ask yourself these questions:
- Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
- How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
- What’s one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?
Give yourself the space to think it all through carefully.
Challenge yourself to think better on a daily basis—to challenge the stories you subconsciously tell yourself and do a reality check with a more objective mindset. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts and Reflections to Start Every Day” is a great tool for daily reality checks and perspective shifts.)
4. Practice putting the figurative glass down.
Twenty years ago, when Angel and I were just undergrads in college, our psychology professor taught us a lesson we’ve never forgotten. On the last day of class before graduation, she walked up on stage to teach one final lesson, which she called “a vital lesson on the power of perspective and mindset.” As she raised a glass of water over her head, everyone expected her to mention the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” metaphor. Instead, with a smile on her face, our professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”
Students shouted out answers ranging from a couple of ounces to a couple of pounds.
After a few moments of fielding answers and nodding her head, she replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass is irrelevant. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the absolute weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”
As most of us students nodded our heads in agreement, she continued. “Your worries, frustrations, disappointments, and stressful thoughts are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a little while and nothing drastic happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to feel noticeable pain. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed, incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”
Think about how this relates to your life right now.
If you’ve been struggling to cope with the weight of what’s on your mind today, it’s a strong sign that it’s time to put the figurative glass down…
Let go and renew faith in yourself.
A big part of practicing letting go is gradually renewing your own faith in yourself. This “renewed faith” means finding the willingness to live with uncertainty, to feel your way through each day, to let your intuition guide you like a flashlight in the dark. It’s about standing firmly on your own two legs in the present, without the crutches you’ve been holding on to, and gradually taking small steps forward.
You are strong enough to take those steps!
You’ve got this!
So what if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough and you are enough in each and every moment? What if, for today, you choose to believe that you are strong enough to move forward one step at a time? What if, for today, you choose to accept people exactly as they are, and life exactly as it is? What if, as the sun sets on today, you choose to let go and celebrate your daily progress? And what if, tomorrow, you choose to do it all over again?
Practice making those choices!
Practice letting go and renewing the faith you once had in both yourself and the world around you.
Your turn…
Before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
How has holding on too tight affected your life?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Sheri says
Great and helpful essay. #4 especially hit home. My son and I lost my husband/his dad suddenly 3 years ago, and that “glass” has weighed us down ever since. This is an eye-opener that I look forward to sharing with my son. Letting go is a gradual process, but it’s one that must be practiced.
Jennifer says
How beautiful and profound. These are clear guidelines full of goodness to adhere by. Thank you so much. My deepest bow to you! J.
Thomas LaRusso says
Creative visualization is an effective method. I learned it many years ago at an EST seminar in SF.
KM says
This article is beyond gold.
I recently found out that my wife cheated and confronted about it she tried to justify the infidelity. That justification scarred me more than the cheating. Made me feel like a third wheel.
Today I breathe and move towards healing. Thank you for these words and bless you both in your work.
Helen P. says
Very insightful essay. Was just pondering this letting go of a relationship earlier tonight. Trying to put all the right sentences together in my head to have this conversation with him. He’s a great guy in many ways and I’ll be sad to let our many years go, but I’ve come to the realization that it’s never going to be anything more than friends and I don’t want to continue on this same path, holding on for some glimmer of hope. You’ve said a lot of things that make total sense and I shall follow through with this much needed wisdom. Thank you for helping me see the light.
Gabriel says
I always want to sit at the edge of seat to read your article, as it inspires and nudges me to be a better person in all ramifications. “Letting go ” frees me of my over whelming inner battle that goes on in my mind. As always reals thanks for this powerful perspective.
Em says
I love the part about just floating. I have this massive fear of being unanchored vessel without control. But I realise to change and evolve I need to let go, start floating instead of clutching at straws. I’m glad I took time to read this essay today.
Eric Sinmons says
I think this is very simple intuitive way of allowing people to make a small but powerful change of perspective. I think anyone struggling with different aspects of their lives could benefit from being able to adjust their perspectives & see things for as they are as opposed to how they feel from their own personal aspect. Which I’d believe can influence significantly their judgement of the level of impact of events. I am personally struggling with a end to a relationship that has left me in a dark hole so to speak & I feel this essay is giving me another tool to use in finding my way back from here. I appreciate the work you’ve done here & I’m sending this to a friend who is struggling through a separation after many years.
Ash says
I needed this article today. I was “telling myself a story” over and over again and it truly was starting to change my mood. This article hit on a lot of good points. I will remember to think about the stories I tell myself. Breathe in everything. And not hold on to things too long to avoid the pain.
Tracey Taylor says
Thank you both for sharing your skills and talents coaching us in our journeys through the wilderness by providing a road less traveled for courage, acceptance and peace! I have been carrying far too much weight in several different complex areas of my life and now can see the forest of opportunity through the trees! Much appreciation, best blessings to you both for your kindness work in helping others, -trace taylor and Service Dog myka
Laurie Young says
I really enjoyed this article. Especially, when the first step is about focusing your breath and on breathing. How we are able to control the certain ways we are able to use our breathing. Or, we can stop controlling it and just breathe as it would normally do.
What I got from that was as much as we try and control things to our perspective when and if we stop trying to manipulate the situation we realize that
things don’t stop because we stop trying to control it, but it goes on and it does as it naturally would.
A wonderful truth. If only more people would come to this realization of this truth.
Thank you for this essay. It’s an extremely valuable teaching that I myself came to realize years ago when I was trapped in the grip of control and I couldn’t fathom why things would not work out as I perceived. It never would, but I learned the valuable lesson of “Letting Go!”
Nosi says
This is a lovely article. Put the glass down is all I needed to hear right now. Thank you.
Adina says
What an amazing essay! I really needed to hear this today. I’ve been going through a process of spring cleaning and de-cluttering, both mentally, spiritually and physically and these words and this message really helps puts everything into perspective for me.
Tinzley Bradford says
This is one of the BEST reads ever! Please pardon me if I choose to quote you both on some of these extremely meaningful insights you shared in this article and share them with others. The fact that it resonates so well with me and I have been practicing this even before reading your article is confirmation that I’m doing something right and something that will bring me peace and that will change my life. I am saving this article in my notes, I really respect you both for writing this. Thank you! Wow! Life changing!
Melinda says
Thank you for the reminder to just breathe… so simple but so often forgotten as we try to control so many things around us. It’s exhausting!
S says
This could not have come at a better time. Long story short I just this morning journaled that I have to let go of a relationship I really wanted. The other person is a mess and isn’t willing to release her illusions. I’ve been wanting to save her but as I journaled it just popped out “I am letting go”. I felt that. Didn’t know I was thinking that but whoof.
Time to let her breathe & me breathe & let go.
Thank you.
Henrietta says
After reading this article, I will put the glass down. My hopes and expectations has escaped me in many ways, but time goes on I am ready to let go and breath .
Thanks so much for your willingness to share.
Nicole says
In dealing with a difficult relationship with my oldest daughter, I needed to hear The story I tell myself. Thank you.
Debbie says
I usually just save the articles for later but today I decided to read it right away and I am so glad I did. It truly hit home and frightened me a bit. Thank you.
Ann C says
I am taking care of my neighbor, traveling companion and good friend. He has many health issues. I’ve been telling myself it’s up to me to keep him alive. Today, after reading your article, I realized it’s not up to me. I put the glass down.
He has gotten very comfortable with my doing so much for him. He is greatly appreciative but takes offense when I say I’m the only one trying to keep him alive. I can’t change him or his behavior. Breathe, float, and leave the glass where it is.
Jesus tells us to love our neighbors and I thought that was what I was doing. But perhaps I was just filling my ego and the feeling of being needed.
I have a whole lot of journaling to do to figure out what else the story could mean.
Thank you so very much for all your great insights. I’m going to go drink that glass now.
Ann Miller says
I find many of your comments to be affirmations of some of the changes I have made in my approach to life. I spent 19 years in an on- again, off-again relationship. The red flags were in my face, but I believed that if I loved this person enough, he would ultimately commit to me and want me. Ours was a miserable relationship, as what I hoped would never materialize. I had to seek the help of a therapist to extract myself from this very toxic relationship. She helped me to identify the self-esteem issues I had. Learning to reframe questions was an essential part of my journey to a better place. Challenging the stories I told myself, was another. It took some effort, but how liberating it was to to feel the change in my attitude as a result of learning realize and accept that he was the wrong person for me. Our value sets were totally misaligned. I learned to know thaI I deserved better for myself and moved on without regret for what ‘might have been’. He continued to self-destruct. I began to thrive. I appreciate the email messages you send. They remind me of my journey and re-affirm my resolve to take better care of how I respond to difficult and potentially painful situations. My life is so much better today. I have a very happy and fulfilling 22 year relationship with a man who truly cares for me and I care for him. We have a healthy respect for each other and our own selves. Now 70 years old, I am calmer and wiser and so much more at peace with what is. Self reflection is an ongoing part of my peace. Owning what I say and do is empowering. I am able to judge myself and others with more empathy and kindness. Adversity is sometimes a good thing, as one can learn from experience. Accepting life’s bumps (and there are plenty of those) with grace and calm is a valuable skill I have acquired and I am so grateful for that. I am happier in my own skin than I have ever been. Thank you for your supportive messages. They do help to keep me on track.
Scott Siwicki says
So many changes in my life these days. Major life changes. But stressing about them, will not change the situation, it will only make it worse.
Thank you for sharing this post, very good points to follow.
Diane says
Exactly what I needed today as I prepare to go on a trip with 10 women. I been creating in my thoughts, not so good stories about how I will be received. Our article reminded to just be me, cause they like that version of me! So I will just breathe and live each moment in joy for new experiences I will have!
Abby says
Thank you for this wonderful content of wisdom and advice. I have had a lot of realizations this morning which is making me again overthink just because of someone whom I recently approached for some help and I couldn’t feel the connection. I thought she was a friend but life goes on. So I’ve learned to accept the uncontrollable and uncertainty of this life for my peace of mind.
Jim hemwall says
As always, well said. Thank you for helping me live better. I am trying.
Susanne says
This complete article is fantastic. I’m going to print it so I can read it over and over and remind myself of the power practising this breathe and thought process has. I have unrealistically been pondering a situation over and over and although I have managed to push it out of my mind, my thoughts still go to this situation on a daily basis. Wondering why it happened, what was the purpose and meaning of it, and so on. Will it change, or will I get an answer.
Thank you so much for your efforts.
Erika says
Wonderful – my area of struggle to let go is my kids. I live by : You are only as happy as you unhappiest child”. I cannot let go of the belief that I put them on this earth so all their good and bad experiences is on me. Not necessarily my fault – but did I consider all that could go wrong/heartaches in their lives when I decided to have them ?
I do feel more and more that having children is EXTREMELY selfish. It is driving me crazy !
Diana says
Marc and Angel, I can only imagine how many people you are helping as they read this particular lesson. I have several situations in my life that I can, and will, apply to help my life be happier and more meaningful. You really flipped a switch for me. I am so grateful for you both and pray that you can continue your true purpose of helping us heal ourselves thru realizing that we are capable and deserving!
James Lashley says
VERY insightful and encouraging. Will be a great tool in my arsenal to find the solution to my problem with over thinking and anxiety. Thank you!!
Kathleen says
Such insightful thoughts that made me realize that letting go of someone or a relationship is the best situation that could happen. I still desire to have reconciliation with one of my sons who has not spoken to me in over 2 years. He says my choice to live next to my other son shows how I don’t care for him as he is getting part of his inheritance by doing this. I now see that I cannot change him but I do long to see him and find reconciliation. Until he wants me to visit or talk with me, I will let go and send notes to him. He has a new phone and cannot contact him. I feel very sad, but cannot control him and must let go and let God work within him. Thank you for your article as it freed me to see how I need to breathe and find peace with how this situation is.
Robin says
Hey guys!
I wanted to let you know, that:
I really like your articles, essays, and your positive thoughts and hopes for your readers! Please keep up the great work!
This topic is especially helpful for me tonight.
Thank you again!
Jill says
You both are soooo good!
Lou says
ONCE AGAIN GREAT, JUST WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON AND THINK ABOUT. THANK YOU.