Your thoughts can carry you forward. But weak thoughts don’t have the strength to carry you far.
Attaching to the wrong thoughts and acting on them is one of the most common barriers to living a relatively happy and productive life. If you allow these thoughts to dwell for too long, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and your overall effectiveness on a daily basis. You will simply think yourself into endless disappointment and frustration. And make no misunderstanding about it, when you are continuously feeling frustrated on an average day, the battle you are going through isn’t fueled directly by the words or actions of others, and it isn’t fueled directly by what did or didn’t happen in the past either. It’s fueled primarily by your mind that gives negativity a daily stage to shout from. In a very real sense, you are what you think — you can’t change anything if you can’t change your thinking.
But are you ready for the silver lining?
You can change the way you think!
And when you change the way you think, you can gradually master a new way to be.
It’s time to take a break from excess negativity!
Today we’re going to take a look at five common negative thought patterns, along with some effective methods for breaking these patterns and re-training that inner voice of yours. These are the very same methods we’ve successfully used with our course students and coaching clients over the past 15 years. But first, let’s examine a fundamental error in judgment negative thinkers tend to make:
People who are habitual negative thinkers are often proud to describe themselves as “realists.” Of course, anyone who holds a strong belief thinks they are being “realistic” by holding it, whether it involves alien encounters, perfectly truthful politicians, or otherwise.
The “being realistic” pronouncement is a common favorite among cynics everywhere. And in a way they are correct. But only because negative thinking causes the human mind to give up on everything — to not even try, or to give a disorganized, half-hearted effort — so the negativity itself influences the end result. Self-fulfilling predictions like this really do happen. Research even suggests that in some cases what we believe about our health can have more bearing on how long we live than our actual physical health.
So why do we as human beings do this to ourselves?
Because thinking negatively, expecting the worst, seeing the downside of positive situations, and even downright expecting failure, all convey a kind of backwards-thinking, emotional insurance policy. It happens subconsciously and it goes something like, “If I expect a catastrophe, then I won’t be quite as disappointed when it takes place.”
What makes all of this so alarming is the fact that it means negative thoughts can plague us even when life is going relatively well. For instance, the thought “This is much too good to last!” quickly wreaks havoc on a positive situation. Thus, the thoughts and methods discussed below have to do with how negative thinking distorts our perception of reality, oftentimes constantly over the course of our entire lives. It’s time to capture and re-evaluate…
1. Those thoughts that make us exaggerate the negative (and minimize the positive).
Ask yourself: “If something negative unexpectedly happens, do I over-generalize it? Do I view it as applying to everything and being permanent rather than compartmentalizing it to one place and time?”
For example, if someone rejects you or turns you down for a date, do you spread the negativity beyond that person, time, and place by telling yourself, “I’m just not good at relationships — they never work out for me, ever”? If you fail an exam do you say to yourself, “Well I failed that exam; I’m not happy about it, but I’ll study more next time”? Or do you over-generalize it by telling yourself you’re “not smart enough” or “incapable of learning”?
Remember, negative thinking stops us from seeing and experiencing positive outcomes even when they happen often. It’s as if there’s a special mental block filtering out all the positives and only letting in data that confirms the negative biases we have. So do your very best to catch yourself starting today.
Being able to distinguish between the negativity you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards living a happier, healthier life. (Note: Marc and I discuss this more in the Happiness & Inspiration chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
2. Those thoughts that motivate us to ignore the grey areas between life’s extremes.
Life simply isn’t black or white — 100% of this or 100% of that — all or nothing. Thinking in extremes like this is a fast way to daily misery, because it basically views any situation that’s less than perfect as being bad. For example:
- Rather than the rainstorm slowing down my commute back home from the office, instead “it wasted my whole evening and ruined the night!”
- Rather than just accepting the nervousness of meeting a new group of people, “I know these people are not going to like me!”
Since 99% of all situations in life are less than perfect, “all or nothing” thinking tends to make us focus on the negatives — the drama, the failures, and the worst-case scenarios. Sure catastrophes occur on occasion, but contrary to what you may see on the evening news, most of life occurs in a grey area between the extremes of bliss and total devastation.
3. Those thoughts that have us looking for negative signs from others.
Our negativity leads us to quickly jump to negative conclusions about the unknown, which can be especially harmful in our relationships. We are provoked to interpret something another person does as being negative, even when we have been given absolutely no indication of what the other person is thinking. For instance, “She hasn’t called so she must not want to talk to me,” or, “He only said that to be nice, but he doesn’t really mean it.” When we jump to conclusions like this, we only cause ourselves and others unnecessary pain, stress, and frustration.
So if someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else. If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some concealed negative connotation. Assigning meaning to a situation before you have the whole story makes you more likely to believe that the uncertainty you feel (based on lack of knowing) is a negative sign.
On the flip-side, holding off on assigning meaning to an incomplete story helps the mind overcome it’s negative thinking patterns. When you think more positively, or simply more clearly about the facts, you’ll be able to evaluate all the possible reasons you can think of, not just the negative ones. In other words, you’ll be doing more of: “I don’t know why she hasn’t called yet, but maybe… she’s actually extremely busy at work today.”
4. Those thoughts that keep triggering us, again and again.
To change your thought patterns it helps to have a crystal-clear understanding of what you’re often thinking about and why. When a familiar negative thought arises in your mind, instead of ignoring it, pay closer attention and then record it for later evaluation. For example, if you’re sitting at your desk and you catch yourself ruminating about something negative, pause and write it down immediately. Get that raw thought out of your head and down on paper — just a short sentence or two that honestly depicts the specific thought that’s presently troubling you:
“I’m not good enough for the job I’m applying for because I don’t have enough experience.”
Then, identify what triggered the thought. Again, be brief and specific:
“I’m new to the industry, and therefore I’m feeling out of my comfort zone on most days.”
At the very least, this process of evaluating your negative thoughts and their underlying triggers helps bring a healthy, objective awareness to the sources of your negative thought patterns, which ultimately allows you to shift your mindset and take the next positive step forward.
5. Those thoughts about never being good enough.
All journeys of positive change begin with a goal and the determination needed to achieve it. However, what do you think happens when you are too determined, or too obsessed, with a goal? You begin to nurture another belief: who you are right now is not good enough.
A few months ago, one of our new course students had become overly obsessive in her efforts to meditate. As her interest in meditation grew, she began to increasingly say to herself, “I am not good enough,” and, “I have to be better at this.” She began to notice various imperfections within herself that needed to be “fixed.”
In a nutshell, her over-the-top efforts to meditate for extensive periods of time had opened the doors to lots of unexpected self-criticism and stress. Thankfully, with a little coaching from Marc and me, she eventually realized her obsession toward meditation had made her forget one of the basic objectives of meditation — acceptance.
So the bottom line is this: you have to accept yourself as you are, and then commit to personal growth. If you think you are absolutely “perfect” already, you will not make any positive efforts to grow. But, constantly criticizing yourself is just as counterproductive as doing nothing, because you will never be able to build new positive changes into your life when you’re obsessively focused on your flaws.
The key is to remind yourself that you already are good enough; you just need more practice. Change your mantra from, “I have to be better,” to, “I will do my absolute best today.” The second mantra is far more effective, because it actually prompts you to take positive action at any given moment while simultaneously accepting the reality that every effort may not be perfect.
Being able to distinguish between healthy striving and self-criticism on your journey is a critically important step towards living a happier and more successful life.
Now it’s your turn…
There’s a quote I’ve always loved that’s often credited to Ignatius: “Pray as if God will take care of all; act as if all is up to you.” That’s such a strong way to live! To me, it’s about using your faith to fuel positive thinking and positive action on the daily. I sincerely strive for this in my own life, and I sincerely wish this for YOU.
The five points covered above are solid starting points for unraveling your negative thinking patterns. The goal is to gradually get your thoughts based more in reality, detached from needless drama and confusion, and focused on the next positive step forward. Challenge yourself to START, today!
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Finally, if you have not done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Bethany Evans says
THANK YOU SO MUCH for writing and sharing this post publicly. It makes so much sense to me. I’m currently struggling with lots of frustration and a broken heart following a long and tough divorce. My negative thinking gets the best of me more than I’d ever like to admit. I know I’m better off now, but I can’t seem to get past certain trains of thought. I’m going to start with #1 and then #4 — I see plenty of room for improvement in those areas. Also, like the comment above, I ordered your book just now, too. My way of saying thanks for everything over these past few months.
ARUN says
Oh! Superb.
MaryAnn says
This article, as many of yours are, is so timely.
I have a lifelong habit of being terrible at ruminating – over, and over, and over again. It makes me feel like a crazy person sometimes.
When an issue is unresolved or something that really hurt me or a situation I didn’t respond as I could have, I obsess over it – going over the details, re-feeling the pain and aggravation. It’s absolutely exhausting. I need to read this article once a month to remind myself I’m not alone in this and also to do everything in my power to break this cycle.
Thank you as always for the great advice you give. I wish I had this article to read about 30 years ago. Seriously!
Carin Pretorius says
Excellent article. I understand that I have to be a better person than yesterday with trust and faith in God and in myself.
TK says
I’ve been struggling recently with my negative thinking, especially related to a situation where I know the outcome that I want, but it is going to take time to get there and I have no idea how it will turn out… and also with thoughts around my new job which is turning out to be more challenging (and stressful) than I imagined it would. I’m going to work on all 5 suggestions with a strong emphasis on #3 and #4. Thank you, as ever. Your clear writing and positivity provide important action steps for all of us! I for one need it and appreciate you both.
Ronda says
Thank you for always tossing out the life ring to us when we are drowning in the ocean of negativity! I needed a strong reminder about the thoughts we allow to dominate and how they can rob our joy or give us strength to overcome adversities. We can choose our thoughts. I like the idea of reframing them today as a postive challenge to myself. It will be my new assignment. Blessings to you both and all the others here.
Henrietta Drummond says
I can’t remember how I found your site, but is one of the greatest blessings of my life right now. Thanks so much for sharing. This essay was exactly what I needed to read today.
Teresa says
I just found you both a couple months ago. I am enjoying your blogs and emails, and learning so much from them. The last 6-8 months has been life changing for me. I am trying to find my place in the world as an empty nester, who was a stay at home mom who also homeschooled. Cancer 8 years ago, deaths of 3 immediate family members over the last 5 years has taken a toll on my emotions and physical health. I am seeing a local counselor and her teaching lines up exactly with yours. I am looking forward to reading more in your books too-they are on the way.
David Buttonw says
What you Think about comes About!
Thank you putting the Negative in a Positive light!
Allyson says
Love your stuff. It’s practical, useful, and down-to-earth. Thank you so much for doing these emails. It led me to purchase the workshop a year ago – which I’m finally just now watching! I know it’ll help me tremendously, just as all your info does!
Cody says
Thank you as always, M and A. I continue to love how your insightful guidance for life arrives in my email inbox right when I need it.
I really connect with the idea of not looking for negative signs from other people. The more I think about it, the more I realize how often I do this in my relationships. I certainly let the uncertainty of a situation paint a dark picture in my mind. I’m going to do my best to start catching myself. Cheers!
PS: I just ordered your 1000 Little Things book and I’m looking forward to another good read from you two.
Stella says
Thanks for the article. I have had a negative thought that has kept me awake the better part of the week. Following the above steps and by transferring the negative thought from mind to paper already makes me feel much better. Appreciated.
B says
Positive Thinking…
I inhale and exhale my precious oxygen into my lungs. It helps me to remember that my oxygen is keeping me alive.
I always have this thought in mind; God has given me one more day in this universe, and I plan to be happy.
I stive to stay positive even though life is not perfect, and no one is. The greatest gift to all is time. I make sure to remember that my time is always front and center in my life, especially when things could go bitter fast. Our Time.
Happy Day!
Henrietta says
I had no idea signing up for this site’s updates would be such a blessing. Thanks so much for sharing. This truly resonated today.
Paula says
What a great way of explaining things. All your posts and emails are helping me so much to have a better understanding of living a happier and more peaceful life. I’m a work in progress and I try my best each day . A big thank you as always.
Leticia says
Thank you so much for the gift of this article. I enjoyed it all it very to the point, very clear and the suggestion all seem doable. I have been practicing to catch myself and stop assuming what others might be thinking. I feel that’s a very important and gives your brain a rest because usually what comes to my mind and assume is negative thinking from others. I have learned to catch myself or at least trying to catch myself.
Again thank you for your knowledge and for this valuable free information and wisdom you share with us.
Lee says
Thank you for your post today. I’ve been looking for work for a long long time and was always negative. Lately I’ve been changing my attitude and thinking more positively and things are better for me. I’m still looking but I feel better about myself because I try to be positive everyday. And when I start to think negatively I talk myself out of it and it’s getting a little easier to be positive. I still have a way to go but it’s starting to work. Thank you for post today. It makes so much sense now.
Mandy Crerar says
This was the first newsletter I have read and I know I’m going to love your advice going forward. I have a dear friend who is weighed down by negative thoughts, believing the worst outcome of everything in her life. It stresses me to see her so constantly stressed to the max. Her glass is always half empty …. sometimes there isn’t even a glass 🙁 I am going to share your newsletter with her and hope she will begin to think about changing. If you have any suggestions on how to accomplish this, I would be grateful to hear them. She doesn’t believe it’s possible for her to change.
A J says
I liked it all. I especially like the idea to give our inner wellbeing as well as we give to our physical wellbeing attention and longevity.
Be blessed always.
Patrick Onyait says
Thank you for such a wonderful essay. This is the kind of staff I need in my daily life as I normally encounter challenges on and off especially with extended family in African settings, but I choose to remain positive as no problem is permanent.
Warm regards
Peter Bragg says
Greetings Marc & Angel,
Thank you for your blog and for today’s writing! Negative Thinking Patterns are most definitely a poison which I have worked harder to avoid in recent years – and I have made much progress in this area. Coupled with fear, negative thinking can rob us of our aspirations and ultimately our happiness. For me it begins with Gratitude and Acceptance. Thanks again & keep up the good work!
Vincent Chen says
What a fantastic article. Thoughts are things. You are changing negative thoughts which I sometimes subconsciously think repeatedly often. Now I am more aware of how to change them. Thank you
Sarah says
Great points and well worded now how can I encourage someone else namely my S.O. to grasp these ideas?
Manali Kadam says
It’s such a beautifully written article. I loved how you have covered Overgeneralization, All or Nothing Thinking, Negative Thought Patterns all tools remind me of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy & the distortion in thoughts covered in it. Also the last quote is beautiful.
UDEH JOSEPH says
I’m so pleased to come in contact with your thoughts inspiring guides, and they are of cute interest. I’ve subscribed getting more of your such insightful volumes. Many Thanks for inspiring.
Blanca says
Dear Marc and AngeL :
God placed you down here as ANgeLs.
Blessings.
Nick says
Thank you for your wisdom, it puts everything into perspective.
Edelquin says
“Pray as if God will take care of all; act as if all is up to you.” I love This quote credited to Ignatius. That’s such a strong way to live! To me too, it’s about using my faith to fuel positive thinking and positive action on the daily. I sincerely strive for this in my own life as I often fight with negative thoughts, which sometimes drains me down, This is a great article. Thanks for educating. May God bless you more and more to contribute your good work.