You can’t calm the storm. What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will gradually pass.
Over the past decade, there’s a way of being I’ve gradually been cultivating in myself — I’ve been taming my tendency to get riled up and argue with people when their behavior doesn’t match my expectations.
As human beings we all have an idea in our heads about how things are supposed to be, and sadly this is what often messes us up the most. We get frustrated when things don’t play out the way we expect them to, and when people don’t behave like they’re “supposed” to. We expect our family to act a certain way, our friends to always be kind, and strangers to be less difficult.
And when reality hits us, and everyone seems to be doing the opposite of what we expect them to do, we get triggered — anger, frustration, arguments, tears, etc.
If you can relate in any way at all right now, it’s time to remind yourself of the truth: You can’t control how other people behave. You can’t control everything that happens. What you can control is how you respond to it all. Let calmness be your superpower…
When you feel like your lid is about to blow, take a long deep breath. Deep breathing releases tension, calms down our fight or flight reactions, and allows us to quiet our anxious nerves so we choose more constructive responses, no matter the situation. So for example, do your best to inhale and exhale next time another driver cuts you off in traffic. In a recent poll we hosted with couple hundred new course students, overreacting while fighting traffic was the most commonly cited reason for overreacting on an average day. Just imagine if all the drivers on the road took deep breaths before making nasty hand gestures, or screaming obscenities.
Of course it can drive us crazy when we don’t get what we expect from people, especially when they’re being rude and difficult. But trying to change the unchangeable — wanting others to be exactly the way we want them to be — just doesn’t work. So we’ve got to make some changes and lead by example.
Here’s the way of being that I’ve been cultivating and advocating:
- To breathe deeply and often.
- To remind myself that I can’t control other people.
- To remind myself that other people can handle their lives however they choose.
- To not take their behavior personally.
- To see the good in them.
- To let go of the ideals and expectations I have about others that causes unnecessary frustration.
- To remember that when others are being difficult, they are often going through a difficult time I know nothing about. And to give them space.
“Being” this way takes practice, but it’s worth it. It makes me less frustrated, it helps me to be more mindful, it improves my relationships, it lowers my stress, and it allows me to make the world a slightly more peaceful place. I hope you will join me…
Practice Being Mindful and Calm
If you’re ready to feel more peace and less inner angst, here are some ways I’ve learned to remain calm and centered, even when those around me can’t seem to contain themselves. These principles reinforce the quick bullet points above, and when you consistently practice them, the world within you and around you becomes a lot easier to cope with.
Let’s practice, together…
1. Get comfortable with pausing.
Don’t imagine the worst when you encounter a little drama. When someone is acting irrationally, don’t join them by rushing to make a negative judgment call. Instead, pause and take a deep breath.
Inhale. Exhale. A moment of calmness in a moment of tension can save you from a hundred moments of regret. Truth be told, you are often most powerful and influential in an argument when you are most calm. Others never expect calmness. They expect yelling, drama, defensiveness, offensiveness, and lots of back and forth. They expect to leap into the ring and fight. They are ready to defend themselves with sly remarks cocked and loaded. But your calm pause? That can really disarm them, and put you back in control.
2. Think bigger.
Imagine a two-year-old who doesn’t get what she wants at the moment. She throws a temper tantrum! This small momentary problem is enormous in her little mind because she lacks perspective on the situation. But as adults, we know better. We realize that there are dozens of other things this two-year-old could do to be happier. Sure, that’s easy for us to say — we have a bigger perspective, right? But when someone offends us, we suddenly have a little perspective again — this small momentary offense seems enormous and it makes us want to scream! We throw the equivalent of a two-year-old’s temper tantrum.
Of course if we think bigger we can see that this small thing matters very little in the grand scheme of things. It’s not worth our energy. Thus, always remind yourself to be bigger, think bigger, and broaden your perspective.
3. Respect people’s differences.
Being kind to someone you dislike or disagree with doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re mature enough to control your emotions and do the right thing. Period.
And it’s absolutely possible to connect with, or even appreciate the company of, someone you don’t completely agree with. When you make a commitment to remain neutral on matters that don’t matter that much, and speak respectfully about your disagreements that do matter, both parties can remain calmer and move forward with grace. It’s a long process sometimes, but it’s worth it.
So just keep reminding yourself that what goes around comes around. No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is. Just because someone does it differently doesn’t make it wrong. There are many roads to what’s right in this world.
4. Find compassion and put yourself in their shoes.
In the busyness of today’s world people tend to be worried, fearful, hurting and distracted about everything. The word compassion means “to suffer with.” When you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you give them the space to regroup without putting any extra pressure on them.
Truth be told, everyone gets upset and loses their temper sometimes. Remind yourself that we are all more alike than we are different. When you catch yourself passing judgment, add “just like me sometimes” to the end of a sentence. For example:
- That person is grouchy, just like me sometimes.
- He is so darn impatient, just like me sometimes.
- She is being rude, just like me sometimes.
And choose to let others off the hook when you can.
5. Take things less personally.
If you take everything personally, you will be offended for the rest of your life. There’s just no reason for it! Even when it seems personal, rarely do people do things because of you, they do things because of them. You know this is true. You may not be able control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be endlessly distracted by them. Make that decision for yourself today.
Seriously, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you detach from other people’s beliefs and behaviors. The way people treat you is their problem, how you react is yours.
6. Create proactive morning rituals that start your days right.
Don’t rush into your day by checking your phone or email. Don’t put yourself it a stressful state of mind that’s incapable of dealing effectively with other people’s negativity. Create time and space for morning rituals that get you moving in the right direction.
Here’s part of my morning ritual: I take 15 deep breaths before getting out of bed, I stand up and stretch, and then do 15 minutes of meditation.
I challenge you to try this — it has been life-changing for me — but start small with just three deep breaths and three minutes of meditation a day. Do this for 30 days. After 30 days, if this daily ritual becomes easy, add another two breaths and another two minutes to your ritual. When you begin a day mindfully, you lay the foundation for inner calmness and effectiveness, regardless of what’s going on around you.
7. Cope using healthy choices and alternatives.
When we face stressful situations, we are often encouraged to calm or soothe ourselves with unhealthy choices — drinking alcohol, eating sugary snacks, smoking, etc. It’s easy to respond to stress with unhealthy distractions. So pay more attention to how you cope with stress, and replace bad coping habits with healthy coping habits…
Take a walk in a green space. Make a cup of green tea and sit quietly with your thoughts. Listen to some pleasant music. Write in your journal. Talk it out with a close friend. Healthy coping habits make a difference. (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
8. Remind yourself of what’s right (and create more of it in the world).
At the end of the day, reflect on your small daily wins and all the little things that are going well. Count three small events on your fingers that happened during the day that you’re undoubtedly grateful for. For example:
- My family and I made it home safely from work and school today.
- My spouse and I shared a laugh.
- Our meals filled our stomachs.
And then pay it forward — let your positivity empower you to think kindly of others, speak kindly to others, and do kind things for others. Kindness often brings calmness by allowing us to relish in life’s goodness. Create a few outcomes others might be grateful for at the end of their day.
9. Practice letting everything and everyone breathe.
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.
10. Establish and enforce healthy and reasonable boundaries.
Practice becoming more aware of your feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build healthy boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you can’t help others if you’re incapacitated.
In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you — the calmest and most capable version of you — so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most to you.
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to let calmness can be your superpower. It’s your turn to breathe in serenity, armed with the comforting knowledge that there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t…
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Karin says
I loved #10 on boundaries. My in laws are coming to visit tomorrow and the statement someone else’s behavior is not going to make me someone I am not. Perfect timing I am going to incorporate this in to my life especially this weekend..
Thank you so much.
Bev says
All of the pointers are applicable. To give context condo board directors often are way overly tasked in their duties. So it is not just as media seem to suggest owners who are problematic but condo boards who also fail to understand that litigation is not always the way to
March off towards it might be for certain situations but for others not so
It it takes a huge amount of energy to not react in kind when one feels under attack
For the condo context better training for directors who are just volunteers and better buyer awareness can help mitigate an issue that actually is a result of bad policy in a housing experiment that is still evolving. But it can be very hard to not react in the heat of the moment yes it is better to not react but still a real challenge
Jane Crystal says
I found it all really helpful! But to appreciate the small things really helped plus l love let calmness be your super power! X
Ada says
Uff I went through that, I’m at peace that I didn’t let her get to me, now she has dementia. Does not remember the things that she did to me but her daughters are always throwing little statements at me and I learned how to ignore them. I was never accepted in that family. Best wishes and blessings!
Koushik Ghosh says
Thank you so much for your advice and relevance in remaining calm.
Koushik
Lin says
Number 4 stuck with me because that is a hard one and I am going to try to look differently at the grouchy person or the rude clerk or the person cutting me off in traffic or pushing hard to get ahead of me somewhere. Thank you. I feel I will remember those words of yours next time those things happen
Nancy says
Excellent read. Thanks for sharing. So often I stand there blown away by the way some people conduct themselves. I used to react and get angry, but I have been working more toward this model of breathing, processing it for a moment to see whether in the scheme of things–it is worth my time to process any further, and move forward. Of course, if it is some action that was egregious to me, I have decisions to make as to where my boundaries lie and how to move forward. The long and short–your approach is a winner!
Katalina B says
This was such a great read with so many positive tips. Many I already practice but more I needed reminding of today. Your perspective on being mindful about how we cannot control other’s behavior however we can control our own is so clear. Focusing on cultivating calmness and making it our superpower is so spot on! It really resonated with me.
Parker says
M&A,
I can definitely relate to this one! On a several occasions in recent times, when I didn’t want to stay calm and at peace with someone being rude and obnoxious, I remained calm and at peace anyway. There are some wonderful strategies to take heed to in this article … and to actually know that you can avoid larger problems by choosing step away from other people’s drama, instead of stepping into it.
Your essays and books continue to move my mindset forward.
Jess Dee says
Your articles and emails continue to arrive in my inbox when I need them the most.
Getting angry and frustrated about things is just a distraction from what matters most in life. It’s a distraction from making the best of all the blessings we hav. I’ve learned this the hard way. And your thoughts on issues like, Angel (and Marc too), are continuing to make a difference in my day to day life.
After a big personal and complicated hit our family took, and a related period of prolonged angry arguments with my husband about our loss and our new reality, I found your coursework and writings. And it absolutely did not happen overnight, but I’ve let go of lots of unnecessary anger and drama in my consciousness over the past year… and my husband and I are loving each other, respectfully, again.
It’s sad how anger, frustrations and overreactions combined with poor communication can literally turn us into monsters we aren’t. And it’s madness when I think about how many of us let it happen. Again, I learned the hard way that relationships can give you the most incredible and wonderful highs at times … and then there will be deep dives of anger and frustration that will take all you have just to hold on to your sanity. But the dives don’t have to be nearly that deep when we learn to grab ahold of our emotions and communicate consciously.
Thank you for the continuous support and guidance.
B says
“A moment of silence in a moment of anger, can save you from a hundred moments of regret.” So much power in so few words. I’m normally so quick to respond, without thought, in these situations, always wanting the last word but with instant regret and sadness following. Not anymore. Your words are inspiring me to be that better person, to show empathy and understanding, to think before I speak…to breathe. Thank you.
K says
I could have written a response to the passage you mentioned, but not nearly as well as you have. I continue to work on it — stopping to think, and yes, breathe, before responding. Life is more pleasant and peaceful for me and my loved ones too.
Nora Mensah says
The point that resonates me is point 6,8,10. I’m actually trying to adapt these perspectives. Thank you much appreciated Love the emails you send too.
Joyce DeWitt says
When we experienced the death of our 27 year old son, from then on I saw common irritations & every day problems as irrelevant. I sort of began thinking that nothing would really bother me unless it involved harm to one of my beloveds. I would even say, “if it doesn’t involve a lot of blood, death or jail, I’m good.” Somebody cuts in front of me in line? They must need to get there faster. Somebody acts like a jerk on the freeway? Go ahead, be my guest. I’m not interested in getting in a wreck. Grouchy people? Not going to wreck my day. I was teaching then, and even misbehaving, rude high school students couldn’t get me to blow up. I had never been too easy to anger anyway, but it just went to a different level. I just didn’t care much anymore, about things that used to get on my nerves. To be sure, I still feel irritation at some things, & my husband will tell you that I can be snarky right back to him. But feeling mostly peaceful, even in the face of broken dishes, whiny kids, teens who know everything, big messes that someone else makes, friends who bait me on politics, family members who make bad choices & wind up in money trouble or worse, is just a far better place to be. I never was all wound up, but I could get that way. If I start to feel anxious now, mostly over “will I be there in time?” (because I hate to keep people waiting) I remind myself that traffic & weather are out of my control. Let it go. Let it go, and let God. I turn it all over to him. And turn to the cranky looking person behind me at the grocery line, and say, “Please, go ahead of me. I have more than you.” That’s so easy to do, and gets smiles instead of frowns.
Anne says
This article was exactly what I needed at this time in my life.
It all resonated with me, but particularly the section on boundaries. That is something I struggle with daily.
Thank you for the insight and the tools to increase our strength.
Robert says
All of them are a must have in being your best self and being in control of yourself is the best that you can be for all concerned and your family! I hope that I will think before reacting to becoming a better person and showing humility in all aspects of my life! Thank you!
Rick Javillonar says
So amazing how your subject suits my situation most times. My unmet expectations of my family is spot on. Thank you.
Jamna Sukhdev says
Very apt views. Benefitting personally as I am going through vast difference of opinion with close ones. Thank you so much
Leah Smith says
thank you for this article today, exactly what I needed, we all need tools in our pocket, and you continually come up with some great ones. The. section about detaching and taking things less personally is what I really needed today as well as your final statement about turning your calmness into your super power….thanks – great read
Trisha says
I must confess that life has kept me extremely busy and I haven’t been up to speed with reading your emails. I truly needed today’s guidance! Thank you! Blessings…
Dimitria Penelope Letsos says
It’s truly amazing when things come to your life at a time when you’re going through something and you realize you have the answer by reading something that just calms you and rationalizes you in your thought patterns.
I’ve always been a person who gives leeway to others and I try to stay calm and quiet and just talk to them in a serene voice, not getting into their anger and playing the victim. Prosecutor rescuer role and I also learned that silence is an enormous response.
Your article has proven that not reacting and you losing yourself into someone else’s behavior is a keynote to understanding human behavior so much more! I recently had an experience with a family member they have a tendency to be reactionary, And no matter what you say, you come to the understanding they’re not hearing you and so you pull back and the great misfortune with that as you still get blamed for more.
Pulling away and remaining silent and staying calm within your thoughts has always been the gift that I’ve given myself and your article today was so reinforcing towards understanding. Did I do the right thing? I enjoy your articles tremendously. I often share them with other people and then I highlight them and put them in my notebook to go back to them when I know I absolutely need them!
Thank you for your insights that you share with the world. They’re very much appreciated.
Craig Allen says
That was so profound… I read the last comment – “there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t…”, thinking that it really resonated with my current work situation and before actually seeing the next comment about what point resonated the most with me today.
It was as if you had expected this to really make sense to me all along. That is one of the things I enjoy in my daily life – the little synchronicities that occur every day. I read from a lot of authors about things like personal growth every day. Yours is material is somehow different in that it resonates with me a little more like you’ve gone a few extra steps to make everything hit home a little better. Maybe the fact that you operate as a couple rather than being one individual gives you unmatched synergy to be more differentiated from the rest.
Thank you for helping me see through the fog. I look forward to your future emails – something to help me get through my day with a much better perspective. I wish more of the people around me thought more like you do.
Cynthia says
Thank you for this article it. I’m dealing with a situation in my life right now with neighbors and I had a breaking point and lowered myself to their level out of frustration. After reading your article I will apply your suggestions to my situation and with a meeting scheduled for next week I will be better prepared thank you- Cynthia
Tanya Y Long says
I am gonna try these they do sound like good ways to stay calm. I rarely get upset but, when I do I get upset quick because I do take things personally. So I will try these tips with my 34 year old son and others. Thanks
Lynn Biegeleisen says
I especially love the one about setting boundaries!
Ma Teresa edpan says
A wonderful and blessed day. Each of your articles is worth reading and applying to daily life. God bless you both for more ideas that you unselfishly share.
Freddy Cuevas says
Awesome!!! I am going put them on my daily routine and try to get the most. It is very real, clear, and easy to avoid confrontation with others and live a better, happier, and longer one because that’s all we need.
Thanks a lot for the article and this opportunity.
Canessa says
Good information. I’m going through a very hard time right now. I was dismissed by a boyfriend because he wanted another girl. My feelings are hurt. My soul is injured and I feel like dirt of the Earth. But I am trying to cope as best I can with a hole in my heart, your article gives me hope
Lori says
This article was so well timed for me. Without going into details, I really needed to read it at this time. Thank you.