“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
— Bruce Lee
The biggest and most draining disappointments in our daily lives are often the result of misplaced expectations. This is especially true when it comes to our relationships and interactions with others. So don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being utterly disappointed and drained by them.
Which means it’s time to…
1. Stop expecting everyone to agree with you.
You deserve to find joy in your own way. You deserve to live a life you are in flow with. Don’t let the opinions of others make you forget that. You are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that others are here to live up to yours. In fact, the more you approve of your own decisions in life, the less constant approval you need from everyone else.
You have to dare to be yourself and follow your own intuition, however frightening or strange that may feel or prove to be. And don’t compare yourself to others — don’t get discouraged by their progress or success. Follow your own path and stay true to your own purpose. Success is ultimately about spending your life in your own way.
2. Stop expecting people to show you more respect than the amount of respect you typically show to yourself.
True strength is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles. It’s about having faith and trust in who you are, and a willingness to act upon it consistently. Decide this minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself on a daily basis.
Look at yourself in the mirror today and say, “I respect you, and from now on I’m going to act like it.” Yes, it’s important to be nice to others, but it’s even more important to be nice to yourself. When you practice self-respect you give yourself the opportunity to grow. When you are growing, you become a better friend, a better family member, and a better YOU. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
3. Stop expecting and wanting everyone to like you.
You might feel unwanted and unworthy to one person, but you are priceless to another. So never forget your worth! No matter how good you are to people, there will always be one negative person who criticizes you. Smile, ignore their rudeness, and carry on. Spend time with those who value you instead.
Truth be told, in this over-connected world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, the toughest battle you’ll have to fight on the average day is the battle to be yourself. And as you’re fighting back not everyone will like you. Sometimes people will call you names because you’re “different,” but that’s perfectly OK. The things that make you different are the things that make YOU, and the right people will love you for it in the long run.
4. Stop expecting people to perfectly match-up with your idea of who they are.
Loving and respecting others means allowing them to be themselves. When you stop expecting people to be a certain way, you can begin to appreciate them for who they truly are. So pay close attention, and respect people for their uniqueness and not for who you want them to be.
We simply don’t know most people half as well as we believe we do, and truly knowing someone is a big part of what makes them wonderful. Every human being is remarkable and beautiful in some way; it just takes a patient set of eyes to see it. The more you get to know someone, the more you will be able to look beyond their appearance and see the beauty of who they truly are. (Read “The Mastery of Love”.)
5. Stop expecting everyone to know what you’re thinking.
People can’t read minds. They will never know how you feel unless you tell them. Your boss? Yeah, he doesn’t know you’re hoping for a promotion because you haven’t told him yet. That cute guy you haven’t talked to because you’re shy? Yeah, you guessed it, he hasn’t given you the time of day simply because you haven’t given him the time of day either.
In life, you have to communicate with others regularly and effectively. And oftentimes you have to open your vocal cords and speak the first words. You have to tell people what you’re thinking if you want a meaningful engagement.
6. Stop expecting the seemingly strong people you know to be perfectly “OK.”
Everyone you know is fighting some kind of battle, just like you. Every smile or sign of strength hides an inner struggle every bit as complex and extraordinary as your own. So be a part of someone’s growth without having that “I’m in a hurry” attitude. What goes around comes around. You can always be kinder than necessary.
Also remember that embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring your dark. We are often measured by our ability to overcome adversities and insecurities, not avoid them. Thus, leveraging honesty and transparency as it relates to your struggles, to support, share, and make contributions to other people is one of life’s greatest rewards. This happens naturally if we allow it, because we all share very similar doubts, needs, and struggles. And once we accept this, the world then becomes a place where we can look someone else in the eyes and say, “I’m lost and struggling at the moment,” and they can nod back and say, “I know exactly what you mean. You aren’t alone.”
7. Stop expecting the people you care about to suddenly change.
If there’s a specific behavior someone you care about has that you’re hoping disappears over time, it probably won’t. If you really need them to change something, be honest and put all the cards on the table (gracefully) so this person knows how you feel and what you need them to do.
For the most part though, you can’t change people and you shouldn’t try. Either you accept who they are or you choose to give yourself more time away from them. It might sound harsh, but it’s not. When you try to change people, they often remain the same, but when you don’t try to change them — when you support them and allow them the freedom to be as they are — they gradually change in the most beautiful way. Because what really changes is the way you see them.
Honor your boundaries as you ease your expectations.
As you’re diligently working on keeping your expectations in check, it’s also important to maintain healthy and reasonable boundaries. Because inevitably you’re going to run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you, or treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all. The key is to not consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval (no expectations), and to not leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply give yourself some healthy space…
Remember that distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your boundaries, respectfully.
Also, practice becoming more aware of your needs, especially as it relates to your expectations. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build healthy boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this may be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you can’t help others if you’re incapacitated.
In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you — the most grounded and capable version of you — so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most to you.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to hope for the best, but expect less. You will certainly bring more joy into your life by doing so. Before you go though, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Arielle says
I recently began reading your blogs and emails more intently. I can say am better for it. Today, #3 resonated most as I am in a season of deep and uncomfortable learning in this area. But with growth has also come a calm unravelling of all the self sabotage I have engaged in trying to be appreciated and liked, even where such an outcome would be of little to no value.
Thank you, both of you, for being this blessing and building block in my life.
George James Patrick Rowland says
Hi, all of the above is so true, we want to try and please every one which is not good, just be yourself and if that displeases others then so be it move on…
Gaston Santander says
Great article for all things truly generate from the heart……..;it is not what happens aroumd us…..but rather how we respond to them. We must learn to separate ourselves from those who continually create negative vibes for us.
There is s spirit in us humans that either accept or reject (free moral agency)…….we have a choice in every thing we do. That spirit allows or rejects every moment of our loves.
Fill your heart by the spirit (a channel) with all things true, all things peaceful, all things positive, all things lovely, all thigs pure until you are transformed and become thus. By faith (a revelation) you can attain perfect harmony, first with your Creator and then with His creatures. That is the only way you receive a new heart that can forgive others when they offend us or infringe our space. Rejoice in the creation ny seeing His oroginal etrmal Word producing the beauty in Nature.
Prisca Amisi says
To me, the one that resonated much is number 6,, not to think that all the strong people you know are perfectly OK. This has really hit home coz there is a case exactly on this that I’m handling. Thanks so much Marc and Angel for such educative, uplifting, insightful and encouraging stuff you post. The Lord bless you as you continue to bring more and keep you safe under His pavilion.
Debra says
I think #7 “Stop expecting people to suddenly change” was a great reminder for me, because too often I feel like I can help someone, only to be reminded that this isn’t what they want or need…and they aren’t going to change. Setting healthy boundaries has been the biggest help for me emotionally and mentally, but it isn’t always easy to do. Your essays always give me something to think about it, and I feel supported by your wise words. Thank you!
Vincent says
Wow, all of this resonates! #3 is something I have to remind myself on a daily basis. There are going to be people out there who won’t like you. Don’t let it affect you and don’t allow it bring you down. Enjoy the moment and the people who already love you. You don’t have to win everyone over. And I also appreciate your take on boundaries.
Tiane says
Honestly, this couldn’t have come at a better time. Marc and Angel, your posts always seem to appear just at the right moment for me. And they are always relevant to what I’m going through. I’m grateful to have found this community. The first two today really hit home!
Sherry says
I totally agree.
Davi says
These are wonderful reminders. Truly! And I would also add that these can be applied in reverse as well.
Stop expecting to agree with everyone else
Stop expecting to respect yourself more than you do others
Stop expecting to like everyone (and everything you have to do)
Stop expecting more from yourself just because someone else does
Stop trying to be a mind reader
Stop expecting to be “OK” all the time.
Stop expecting to suddenly change yourself…
Dev says
So true. We’re not here to live up to each other’s expectations, we’re here to live up to our own expectations.
I too struggle with this. I often find myself expecting my loved ones to do what I would do, or react the way I would react, in certain situations… and when they don’t I get frustrated.
Thank you for the reminders. You’re keeping me in check too with your weekly emails and essays.
Phyllis says
Honoring my boundaries is self care. I’ve had to keep a little bit more distance from my sister because her resentments and anger affect my serenity. I no longer am willing to listen to her constant, repetitive chatter. The extra space helps, and actually makes both our lives better.
nazeeda says
Wow! Thank you. I see myself doing some of these things in my relationship with my husband, even when I don’t mean to. It’s like I am on auto pilot… Thank you for giving me something positive to work on.
Susan says
Your posts always seem to fit what’s going on in my world. Thank you. You have helped me out in some tough times and through some though decisions. The ending part on boundaries was a especially great reminder for me today.
Dionisio says
Wise thoughts. We all struggle with our expectations of others.
I would add to your thoughts on boundaries: You have control over your feelings, so practice tempering your expectations while distributing your time and attention accordingly to those who deserve the best of you.
Rika Mitchell says
Having expectations toward everyone and everything wreak havoc in our mind and soul. Because in many cases, they betray you. Have no expectations and show up to every occasion and opportunity. You might have big surprises at the end. And Like Marc and Angel always say, watch out for the way you react to it. And if need be, control how you react to it to avoid stress and frustration. Another good read!!
Monica Finch says
I truly needed to read the entire article today and soak in all of your points. Thank you for your wisdom!
Pamela says
As always, thank you fo your wisdom.
Dwayne Miller says
Really hit home with how I was feeling today about what I expect from friend’s, and I need to practice up on that
Chris says
Thank you for all this wisdom! allows one to truly turn the lights on inside with
a clear path to follow and I look forward every day on reading.
I look forward to the comments too.
Thank you Both
Paula says
Such a wonderful essay !!!! Very thought provoking. With practice ( 1 to 7 ) what
a wonderful way to live , all very mindful and I thank you both for sharing again , all your essays are making a huge difference to my life.
Very grateful Paula.
Lou says
YES I AGREE RESPECTING YOURSELF AND SELF CARE ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. AND I TRY TO DO THAT ALL IN HUMILITY.
Hazel Westbury says
Thank you Marc and Angel
Lifelong learning in this space, still has room for suggestions and reminders.
Your reminder about self respect is so timely for me. I am still learning to apply this first, as a matter of self care.
Hazel says
Thank you Marc and Angel
Lifelong learning in this space, still has room for suggestions and reminders.
Your reminder about self respect is so timely for me. I am still learning to apply this first, as a matter of self care.
Sanjivkumar Pol says
I think nobody is perfect and we need to let live life to their selves.
I came to know regarding how one has to live their life.
Thank you for this wonderful passage.
I can retune myself than changing others.
Thank you
ANIA DONNELLY says
Hi to you .Thankyou so much ..I so needed this right at the DIVINE TIME! XXX
Pamela says
All great points for positive growth. #2 hit home for me tonight. I must respect myself! Stop waiting for others to love & respect me. I have distanced myself from family & find the only one missing the part time relationship is me. The light came on. One sided love of children & grand children. . Mine for them! Sad, but their loss too. I’m special & have a lot to offer – now, to ones who respect me, invite me into their lives & check on me. I didn’t realize what I’ve been missing! While I wasted time waiting on “family” to want to be with me- others wanted to spend time with me! I see “family” isn’t always who you expect! A precious Blessing! Thank you Marc & Angel! Keep writing!