There’s something to be said for slow and steady progress, but there’s also something to be said for decisive and sweeping action. When it comes to negative relationship habits, there’s no time like today to quit cold turkey. Of course that’s a lot easier said than done, but with practice we can do better almost immediately.

Lately I’ve been making it a point to bring more awareness to the specific negative relationship habits our coaching clients have been repeatedly complaining about or engaging in. And perhaps more importantly than that, I’ve also been noticing how frequently many of the same habits and behaviors surface in my personal relationships. I mean let’s be honest, we all misbehave in our relationships sometimes. None of us are immune to occasional negative mood swings. But that doesn’t excuse what we do to each other on a daily basis. 

Over the years, through our coaching practice and live events, Angel and I have literally worked with hundreds of individuals looking to fix or strengthen their relationships, and we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to make that happen. One of the most significant realizations, again, is the fact that most problems in our relationships (both intimate and platonic) arise from the same basic negative habits and behavioral issues. Here are some of the more prevalent ones to be aware of… (more…)

A mistake is a lesson, not a loss. It’s a temporary, necessary detour, not a dead end, as long as we learn from it.

As human beings we often make the same fundamental mistakes over and over again. For example, deep down we know it’s smart to take it one step at a time, to maintain good daily habits, and to seek out healthy, supportive environments. Yet we often do the exact opposite when times get stressful and we’re under pressure.

Yes, we do the wrong things even though we know better because the human mind has weaknesses. It becomes forgetful and insensible sometimes. And the only way to conquer these weaknesses is to practice conquering them. So today, let’s practice strengthening our minds by discussing three super-common mistakes Angel and I have seen plaguing dozens of our coaching clients, course students, and conference attendees over the past 15 years — some things many of us do daily that drain nearly all of our potential… (more…)

As human beings, we subconsciously tell ourselves stories pretty much every waking minute of our lives. And these stories we tell ourselves don’t just change how we feel, they actually change what we see, what we experience, and what we know to be true. This is one of the primary reasons multiple people can go through the same experience, but interpret it differently. Each of us may enter a shared experience with a different story echoing through our mind, and our unique story — our inner dialog — alters the way we feel. So each of us exits this shared experience with a different perspective on what just happened. And sometimes these differences literally make (more…)

Be yourself. Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths, and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be — the best version of you — on your terms. And above all, be true to YOU — if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.

Starting today…

1. Get your priorities straight.

Twenty years from now it won’t really matter what shoes you wore today, how your hair looked, or what brand of jeans you bought. What will matter is (more…)

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”
— Clare Boothe Luce

Let’s start off here with a simple question:

What does your perfect day look and feel like?

Visualizing your perfect day is important not necessarily because it will be a recurring reality, but because it’s crucial to understand what a simple life — or an “uncomplicated life” — really means to you. And it’s different for everyone — for me, it means practicing my morning gratitude meditation, quiet writing and reading time, a few fours of focused time with our coaching clients, and doing something memorable with Marc and our son, Mac. For others, it’s a long morning walk, afternoon yoga, a productive day in the home office, and a hot bath before bed. And for others, it’s simply lots of time to focus on an important life goal, while still leaving enough time to get a good night’s rest.

Take a few moments now to visualize what a “perfect day” means to you.

Then shift your focus and consider all the miscellaneous, needless nonsense you get involved in on a daily basis, both mentally and physically, that goes against your “perfect day” philosophy.

Again, we can all agree that life is NOT perfect, and surely there are very necessary, hard things that must be handled every day. But there’s still a lot of mental and physical energy spent on matters that don’t deserve our time and attention.

Truth be told, the average day is actually pretty simple, but we insist on making it complicated.  Let’s break the cycle!  Here are a few easy ways to gradually uncomplicate your life — and yes, it’s a GRADUAL process, because it’s easy to change your life one tiny step at a time: (more…)

The sharpest weapon we have against anxiety, negativity and stress is our ability to choose one present thought over another.

Recently, so much has been postponed, closed or canceled. But not everything.

Love has not been postponed, closed or canceled.

Hope has not been postponed, closed or canceled.

Self-care has not been postponed, closed or canceled.

Right now is an opportunity to invest… in the little things that matter most.

The human experience is filled with love, passion, creativity, joy, connection, compassion, laughter…and the taste of chocolate cake. But because we as human beings learn, evolve and grow through life’s ups and downs, our experience also includes plenty of difficult situations and seasons that round us out.

The key right now is to (more…)

Life gets a lot simpler when you clear the clutter that makes it complicated. Bring your attention back to what’s important, and move forward with your life.

Your days fill up so fast, and they are so rushed and packed with distractions—sometimes they literally seem to be bursting at the seams.

I know exactly how you feel. This used to be my life too.

Before I started simplifying my life, I was being pulled in dozens of different directions every day and never had enough time to get everything done. Naturally, I wanted to do a great job with each obligation I had, and somehow I had convinced myself that I could do it all. But the reality was I was stretched way too thin, and thus I was doing a lousy job at everything and completely stressing myself out in the process.

This feeling of being mind-numbingly busy and overbooked is a huge source of stress for most people, and stress is perhaps the single most important determining factor of whether we’re healthy and happy, or sick and tired, in the long run.

Unless you want your health to decline and your stress to continue to skyrocket, you must start simplifying.

So how can you simplify your life? It’s not as hard as you might imagine… (more…)

Happiness does not start with a relationship, a degree, a job, or money.  It starts with your thinking and what you tell yourself today.

“I had a date scheduled for last night with this guy I started talking to on a dating app.  I waited outside the diner where we agreed to meet for 30 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet.  He never showed up.  All sorts of negative thoughts were running through my head.  I thought maybe he saw me from a distance, didn’t like what he saw, and then bailed.

Just as I was about to leave, one of my old college friends, Jared, who I haven’t seen in nearly a decade, walked up to me with a huge smile on his face and said, ‘Carly!  It’s great to see you!  You look fantastic!’  I almost blew him off because of how I felt inside at the moment.  But luckily I pulled myself together to engage in a conversation.

After we talked in that same spot for awhile, he said, ‘What are you doing for dinner?’  We ended up going into the diner I was supposed to eat at with the no-show date and having an amazing conversation filled with laughter.  After dinner he walked me to my car, we exchanged numbers, and he (more…)

You need to do hard things to be happy in life.  Because the hard things ultimately build you up and change your life from the inside out.

Daily stress is one of the primary causes of major mental and physical health problems in our lives: it can cause heart disease, anxiety, sleep deprivation, auto-immune disorders, weight problems, unhappiness, and even deep depression.

But we’re busy – we all have places to be, things to do and people to see.  So, how do we alleviate stress and still get our work done right, without neglecting our loved ones and ourselves?  What can we realistically start doing today to nurture our mental health and overall wellness?

I’m going to be brief about this, because time is of the essence.  There are eight simple (but not easy) things that need to be practiced.  A few mindset shifts and a couple actions that take only a few minutes (more…)

Last night I met a tired and weary soul at a local charity event.  We struck up a conversation after I helped her pick up some papers she had accidentally dropped on the floor.  She said she was volunteering at the event, and several other charity events over the next few weeks, because she didn’t really have anywhere else to be for the holidays.  Details aside, she basically told me she struggles with a lack of healthy relationships, a lack of self-confidence, and a lack of purpose in her life.

I consoled her as best I could during our 10-minute conversation, and assured her that the volunteer work she’s doing is making a difference.  Then we hugged and I handed her my business card before departing.  Hopefully she reaches out to me, because there’s so much more I’d like to share with her.  I know what it’s like to feel tired and weary, to feel down and depressed, to have no one to talk to.  I have desperately struggled with anxiety and self-confidence issues numerous times in the past.

So I’m writing this short post for her, and all my fellow souls out there who are tired and weary and struggling to find happiness today.

You are struggling, maybe even heartbroken, and this state of being is hard to deal with.  It can feel lonely, draining, and even downright hopeless sometimes.

How do you motivate yourself when you feel defeated?  How do you heal when you have little hope?  How do you connect with others when you don’t feel the self-confidence needed to put yourself out there?

I know you want answers.  And I’m (more…)

The secret to being grateful is no secret. You choose to be grateful. Then you do it again and again. If you forget, begin again.

I remember that rainy summer evening – shortly after Angel and I lost two loved ones to illness, lost our livelihood in a layoff, and ultimately lost sight of the goodness that remained in our lives – when I found myself lying down on a tile floor, alone in the dark, just thinking.

Angel and I rarely spoke openly about anything meaningful during that period of time, mostly because I was withdrawn.  I felt helpless and essentially depressed about what had happened.  I was lost in the darkness of my own negative thinking.

But something shifted inside me as I was lying on that tile floor.

As I looked up and out the open window next to me, the moon suddenly broke through the clouds and illuminated the dark room I was in.  Then, within seconds, a light breeze started blowing the white window curtains inward and over me.  As the curtains fluttered in the air four feet over my body, I smiled.  It was a beautiful moment.  And without thinking twice, I whispered out loud, “Life is still a miracle to be grateful for.”

Angel walked into the room at that exact moment and whispered, “I agree.”

She ducked under the curtains and snuggled into me on the floor.  After a couple moments of shared silence, we decided to list some things off the top of our minds that we were grateful for, despite our struggles.

Our list of gratitude looked something like this:

• We had each other
• We had parents, extended family, and some friends who loved us
• We were reasonably healthy
• Most of our family members and friends were reasonably healthy
• We had some savings
• We had shelter, water and food
• We could experience and appreciate the beauty of the moonlight illuminating this dark room, and the breeze making the curtains dance

And the list went on, of course, but you get the gist.  Even when everything seemed to be wrong, we had a lot going right – a lot to be grateful for.

That night I resolved to change my thinking and make gratitude a daily ritual in my life.

A Gratitude Ritual… A New Perspective

Nowadays, I spend 20 minutes every evening (more…)

“And those who were seen dancing were thought insane by those who could not hear the music.”
— Nietzsche

Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weak or broken.  But to feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the characteristic of a truly alive and compassionate human being.  It is not the sensitive person who is broken, it is society’s understanding that has become dysfunctional and emotionally incapacitated.  There is zero shame in expressing your authentic feelings.  Those who are at times described as being ‘too emotional’ or ‘complicated’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more thoughtful, caring, humane world.  Never be ashamed to let your feelings, smiles and tears shine a light in this world.

Of course, that’s easier said than done, because it can be so confusing, right? … Why you get overwhelmed by run-of-the-mill tasks that others take in stride.  Why you mull over slights that ought to be forgotten.  Why subtleties are magnified for you and yet lost on others.

It’s like you were born missing a protective layer of skin that others seem to have.

You try to hide it.  Numb it.  Tune it out.  But the comments still pierce your armor: “You’re overthinking things.  You’re too sensitive.  Toughen up!”

You’re left wondering what on earth is wrong with you.

I know, because I was in my mid-40s when I stumbled across the term ‘highly sensitive people.’  This led me to discover how delicious it feels to be one of thousands saying, “You do that?  Me too!”

Since then, I’ve learned that many sensitive people feel isolated from others.  They feel misunderstood and different, and they usually don’t know why.  They just don’t realize that they have a simple trait that explains their confusing array of symptoms and quirks.

There’s even a scientific term for it: Sensory Processing Sensitivity.  Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist and researcher, estimates that 15-20% of people have nervous systems that process stimuli intensely.  They think deeply.  They feel deeply (physically and emotionally).  They easily become over-stimulated.

According to my research several successful historical figures were highly sensitive, such as Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, and Steve Jobs.  I see this as great news, because it means us sensitive types aren’t inherently disadvantaged.

But when we don’t realize how to handle our sensitivity, we end up pushing too hard to keep up with everyone else.  We try to do what others seem to handle with ease, and try to do it better than them.  And this leads to problems.

For a time, we do a first-rate job of using our natural gifts: we’re creative students, conscientious employees, and devoted family members.  But when we hammer on beyond our limits, doing so can eventually take its toll.  It shows up in things like unrelenting health conditions, muscle tension we can’t get rid of, and being endlessly fatigued or on edge for no good reason.

If you resonate with any of this, here are 10 actions you can take to stop struggling and start thriving:

1.   Quit searching for someone or something to fix you.

Sensitivity is a temperament trait, not a medical disorder.  So nothing is inherently (more…)

The greatest step toward a life of simplicity is to learn to let go.

Imagine you had a ripe, juicy apple sitting on an otherwise empty table in front of you.  You pick it up eagerly, take a nibble, and begin to taste it.

You already know how an apple should taste, and so when this one is a bit more tart than you expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment and swallow it, dissatisfied.

Or perhaps the apple tastes EXACTLY as you expected – nothing special at all.  So you swallow without even pausing to enjoy its flavor, and you move on with your day.

In the first scenario, the apple was disappointing because it didn’t meet your expectations.  In the second, it was too plain and unexciting because it met your expectations to a T.

Do you see the irony here?

It’s either not good, or not good enough.

Now imagine you try this: eliminate your expectations of how the apple ‘should’ taste.  You don’t know, and you don’t pretend to know, because you haven’t tried it yet.  Instead, you’re genuinely curious, impartial and open to a variety of flavors.

You taste it, and you truly pay attention.  You notice the juiciness, the grainy texture of the skin, the simultaneously sweet, tangy and tart flavors swirling around your tongue, and all the other complex sensations that arise in your awareness as you chew.  You didn’t know how it would taste, but now you realize it’s brilliant!  It’s brand new, because you’ve never tasted THIS apple before.

Mindfulness practitioners often refer to this as “beginner’s mind,” but really it’s just the outcome of a mindset free of needless expectations.

The apple, of course, can be substituted for anything in your life: any event, any task, any social interaction, any person, any meal, any thought at all that enters your mind, anytime and anyplace.  If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be,” they will surely disappoint you in some way… or be too plain and unexciting to remember.  And you’ll just move on to the next disappointment or unexciting experience, and the next, and the next, and so on and so forth, until you’ve lived your entire life stuck in an endless cycle of things you barely like or barely even notice.

But if you approach each event, task, social interaction, etc. without expectations – and just see that event, task, social interaction, etc. at face value – then you will truly see it.  You will truly appreciate it for what it is.  And you will truly experience it like you’ve never experienced anything before, because you haven’t.

This is The Art of Making Life Easier!

So now that we’ve cleared the air a little, let’s take a closer look at three of the most common ways people use expectations to make life harder than it has to be:

1.  You procrastinate to avoid your expectation of problems.

Let’s say you’ve been putting off a big project at work because you’re dreading (more…)

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions.  I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”
— Oscar Wilde

Last night I received an email (creatively) titled “Emotionally Stable People Don’t Do This” from a reader named Karl.  In it he describes a rather chaotic emotional roller coaster that he’s been on for the past few years, personally and professionally.  And then he wrapped up his email with this:

“Truly, I love your book and blog.  Both have helped me get through some seriously tough times.  But even though I’ve made progress, I often struggle with my emotions.  I persistently let every little problem get the best of me.  So I was wondering, what do emotionally stable people NOT do?  I’m asking because, even though I’ve made progress, I know I’m still holding on to old habits that are holding me back.  I need some reminders of what NOT to do!”

There are a million ways to answer Karl’s question (especially as it relates to his unique life situation), but since emotional stability is something all of us struggle with at times, I figured I’d take a stab at answering his question in a general sense, for all of us.  Here’s what emotionally stable people don’t do:

1. They don’t take other people’s behavior personally. – It’s easy to feel unloved and unwanted when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you expect.  And it’s so hard not to internalize that disconnection as a reflection on your worth.  But the truth is, the way other people behave and function is not about you.  Most people are so caught up in their own problems, responsibilities and struggles, that the thought of asking you how you’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind.  They aren’t being mean or uncaring – they’re just busy and a bit self-centered at times.  And that’s OK.  It’s not evidence of some fundamental flaw on your part.  It doesn’t make you unlovable or unworthy.  It just means that some people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own egocentric bubble.  But the fact that you are – that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others – is an incredible strength. (more…)

Life is not complicated.  We are complicated.  When we stop doing the wrong things and start doing the right things, life is simple.

Would you like to uncomplicate your life?  I bet you would!

Marc and I received well over 1,000 replies to our recent ‘subscribers only’ email series (you can subscribe here for free) on simplicity.  This inspired me to revisit the content, tailor it to some of the most popular replies and questions we received, and share this enhanced summary of our simplicity advice series with you here.

A simple life has a different meaning and a different value for every person.  For me, it means getting rid of some of life’s complexities so you can spend more time with people you love and do more of the things you love.  It means getting rid of the clutter, and eliminating all but the essential, so you are left with only that which gives you value.

For the cynics who might say that the list of ideas below is too long to be ‘simple,’ there are really only two steps to simplifying:

1. Identify what’s most important to you.
2. Eliminate as much as you possibly can of everything else.

Of course, that advice is not terribly useful unless you understand how to apply this concept to different areas of your life; so I present to you the points below as well.  And since there can be no ‘one size fits all,’ step-by-step guide to simplifying your life, I’ve compiled an incomplete list of ideas that should help you move in the right direction.  Not every tip will fit your lifestyle, so just choose a few that do and apply them accordingly. (more…)

The beginning is always now.

No matter what the history of your day has entailed thus far, the rest of your day depends on what you do right now.  Write it on your heart that the rest of today is going to be amazing.  Here are some ideas to help you make it so:

1.  Loosen your grip.

Trying to micromanage every little thing every moment is stressful.  Life should be touched, not strangled.    Sometimes you’ve got to relax and let life happen without incessant worry and micromanagement.

Starting now, let go before you squeeze too tight.  Take a deep breath.  When the dust settles and you can once again see the forest for the trees, take the next step forward.  You don’t have to know exactly where you’re going every single second to be headed somewhere great.  Everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not.  It just takes some time to connect all the dots.

2.  Focus forward.

You can’t go back to how things were, or how you thought they were supposed to be.  All you really have is now.  The smartest thing you can control in life is your reaction to what’s beyond your control.  Dwelling on negativity from the past simply contributes to its power.  So stop focusing on what happened and start focusing on what’s going to move you forward. (more…)

The morning is extremely important.  It is the foundation from which the day is built.  How you choose to spend your morning can be used to predict what kind of day you’re going to have.

Do you need help focusing on what matters most?

If you think happiness and success means making lots of money and buying lots of stuff, the answer to this question is yes.

Dirty, wrinkled sketches of dead presidents have never made anyone happy in the long run.  And how can you expect to be successful if you’re not happy?  Money helps along the way, but only you can make yourself happy and successful from the inside out.  There isn’t any amount of money that can buy that.

Real happiness and success comes from the quality of your attitude, your relationships, and the emotions you experience each day.  That’s where the questions below come in.  Ask yourself these questions every morning and I absolutely guarantee that your days will get happier and more prolific over time:

1.  What is the most important thing I can do today for my own well-being?

If you don’t take good care of yourself, then you can’t take good care of others either; which is why taking care of yourself is the best selfish thing you can do.

Every new day is a chance to change your life.  Work on making life all that you want it to be.  Work hard for what you believe, and keep your dreams big and your worries small.  Figure out how you can best serve yourself today.

Remember, you never need to carry more than you can hold, just take one small step at a time.  And while you’re out there today making decisions instead of excuses, learning new things, and getting closer and closer to your goals, know that there are others out there, like me, who admire your efforts and are striving for greatness too.

2.  How can I show my love to those I love?

You don’t need to be perfect to be a perfect friend or lover, but the commitment (more…)

“Last night I lost the world, and gained the universe.”
— C. JoyBell C.

Even after you let go, the past is still part of who you are.  Every one of us lives in the present and makes choices based on some part of the past.  This fact is simply unavoidable.  You are only able to read these words right now because of your past.  Your brain relates past experiences (or learned knowledge) to these words.

All forms of learning rely on your ability to continually reference the past.  If you think about it, many wise decisions you have made leading to this very moment were created through recalling what did or did not work in the past.  You are only able to do what you can now because of what you learned.  For instance, you only recognize a friend when she walks into the room because you reference a past connection with her.  In this way, you are using the past effectively.

But when you start behaving ineffectively because you think, “this is the way it has always been,” problems arise.  Old traditions may be useful, or they may stifle your progress and growth.  It all depends on how relevant they are to the present.  It’s your job to make this determination.

We talk about letting go of the past and moving on, but what do we really need to leave behind?  Since the past helps us at least as much as it hurts us, how do we know which pieces to discard?

Here are some things I have learned that have helped me:

1.  You are subconsciously matching patterns from the past with the present.

When an experience in your life has emotional significance, it gets tagged in your brain as being important.  When the emotional experience is tragic, it triggers your brain’s fear mechanism, which tells your brain to remain on the lookout for any future conditions that vaguely remind you of this tragic experience (it does this to protect you from future harm).  Your brain then tries to match new experiences with the original one.  But depending on how emotionally attached you are to the original experience, it can lead to ‘false pattern matches’ which will inevitably lead you astray.

For example: (more…)

There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference.  The little difference is attitude.  The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.
?W. Clement Stone

Why do we think negatively when we know better?

Because thinking negatively, expecting “the worst,” seeing the downside of positive situations, and even downright expecting failure, all convey a kind of backwards-thinking, emotional insurance policy.  It goes something like, “If I expect a tragedy, then I won’t be disappointed when it takes place.”

Our desire to want to be right is another common reason we subconsciously choose negative thinking.  Sometimes, as foolish as it sounds, we would rather be right about our negative predictions than have a positive outcome prove us wrong.  And since negative thinking leads to negative actions, or no action at all in many cases, by thinking negatively we create a self-fulfilling prediction for ourselves.  In other words, we think negatively, predict a negative outcome, act negatively, and then receive a negative outcome that fulfills our prediction.

Of course, none of this is what we truly want or need in our lives.  So how can we stop talking ourselves into these thinking traps?  Let’s take a look at four powerful ways to quiet the negative, inner voice that leads us astray:

1.  Start focusing on the grey area between the extremes.

Life simply isn’t black or white – 100% of this or 100% of that – all or nothing.  Thinking in extremes like this is a fast way to misery, because negative thinking tends to view any situation that’s less than perfect as being extremely bad.  For example: (more…)

Happiness is not something you postpone for the future;
it is something you design into the present.

Happy people do a lot of things.  They spend time expressing gratitude, cultivating optimism, practicing kindness, nurturing loving relationships, committing to meaningful goals, savoring life’s little pleasures, and so on and so forth.

But they NEVER…

1.  Mind other people’s business.

Forget about what others are doing.  Stop looking at where they are and what they have.  Nobody is doing better than you because nobody can do better than you.  YOU are walking your own path.  Sometimes the reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes circumstances with everyone else’s public highlight reel.  We listen to the noise of the world, instead of ourselves.  So stop the comparisons!  Ignore the distractions.  Listen to your own inner voice.  Mind your own business.

Keep your best wishes and your biggest goals close to your heart and dedicate time to them every day.  Don’t be scared to walk alone, and don’t be scared to enjoy it.  Don’t let anyone’s ignorance, drama, or negativity stop you from being the best you can be.  Keep doing what you know in your heart is right, for YOU.  Because when you are focused on meaningful work and at peace within yourself, almost nothing can shake you.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Passion and Growth” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

2.  Seek validation of self-worth from others.

When you are content to simply be yourself, without comparing and competing to impress others, everyone worthwhile will respect you.  And even more importantly, you will respect yourself.

How are you letting others define you?  What would you do differently if you (more…)