In the end, more than almost anything else, we regret the special relationships we neglected too often.
Family isn’t always blood. They’re the people in your life who appreciate having you in theirs — the ones who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways, and who not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be. These people — your real family — are the ones who truly matter.
Here are twenty timeless tips to help you find and foster these special relationships, before it’s too late:
1. Free yourself from negative company.
Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and open-minded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you — people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. Life is too short to continuously spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself from negative company, you free yourself to be YOU, and being YOU is the only way to truly live.
2. Let go of those who are already gone.
The sad truth is that there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great people you can count on. We rarely lose friends and lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are. So when people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied down to anyone who leaves you behind. It doesn’t mean they are bad people; it just means that their part in your story is over.
3. Give people you don’t know a fair chance.
When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them, and forced them to grow. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours. We meet no ordinary people in our lives. If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer. So appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your intuition and judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.
4. Show everyone kindness and respect.
Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you — not because they are nice, but because you are. Remember, there are no boundaries or classes that define a group of people that deserve to be respected. Treat everyone with the same level of respect you would give to your grandfather and the same level of patience you would have with your baby sister. People will notice your kindness.
5. Accept people just the way they are.
In most cases it’s impossible to change others anyway and it’s rude to try. So save yourself from needless stress. Instead of trying to change them, give them your support when you can and lead by example. (Note: Marc and I discuss this strategy more in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
6. Encourage others and cheer for them.
Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places — productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.
7. Be your imperfectly perfect self.
In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your awesome self. And when they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same. Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you feel pressured to impress. Be your imperfectly perfect self around them. We are not perfect for everyone, we are only perfect for those select few people that really take the time to get to know us and respect us for who we really are. And to those select few, being our imperfectly perfect self is what they love about us.
8. Forgive people and move forward.
Don’t live your life with hate in your heart; you will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Remember, forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It’s saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the remedy 99% of the time. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life. Truth be told, the less time you spend hating the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love you.
9. Do little things every day for others.
Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty.
10. Pay attention to who your real friends are.
As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones. Remember, life is kind of like a party. You invite a lot of people, some leave early, some stay all night, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up really late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the mess. And most of the time, they aren’t even the ones who made the mess. These people are your real friends in life. They are the ones who matter most.
11. Stay in better touch with people who matter to you.
In human relationships distance is not measured in miles, but in affection. Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart. So don’t ignore someone you care about, because lack of concern hurts more than angry words. Stay in touch with those who matter to you, not because it’s convenient, but because they’re worth the extra effort. Truly, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of. Paying attention to these people is a priority.
12. Be loyal.
True love and real friendship aren’t about being inseparable. These relationships are about two people being true to each other even when they are separated. When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option, but a priority. Loyalty is everything!
13. Keep your promises and tell the truth.
If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT! If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE! If you say you feel something, MEAN IT! If you can’t, won’t, and don’t, then DON’T LIE. It’s always better to tell people the truth up front. Don’t play games with people’s heads and hearts. Don’t tell half-truths and expect people to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies. Remember, love and friendship don’t hurt — lying, cheating, and screwing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts. So never mess with someone’s feelings just because you’re unsure of yours. Always be open and honest.
14. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable. Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication functioning. Start communicating clearly. Don’t try to read other people’s minds, and don’t make other people try to read yours. Most problems, big and small, within a family, friendships, or business relationships, start with bad communication.
15. Give what you want to receive.
Don’t expect what you are not willing to give. Start practicing the golden rule. If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It works. It really is that simple most of the time. (Read “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”.)
16. Allow others to make their own decisions.
Do not judge others by your own past or limited perspective. They are living a different life than you are. What might be good for one person may not be good for another. What might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the better. So you can share your opinion, but allow people to make their own mistakes and their own decisions. We all learn the way on the way.
17. Leave petty arguments alone.
Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right. There are many roads to what’s right. And most of the time it just doesn’t matter that much. (Read “How To Win Friends and Influence People”.)
18. Talk a little less and listen more.
Less advice is often the best advice. People don’t need lots of advice, they need a listening ear and some positive reinforcement. What they want to know is often already somewhere inside of them. They just need time to think, be, breathe… and continue to explore the undirected journeys that will eventually help them find their direction.
19. Ignore unconstructive or hurtful commentary.
No one has the right to judge you in a rude or unfair way. They might have heard your stories, but they didn’t feel what you were going through. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently. So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right. What some people think and say about you just isn’t that important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
20. Pay close attention to your relationship with yourself.
One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving others too much, and forgetting that you are special too. When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters? When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there? When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to nurture and prune your relationships so you can make the most of them, and so you don’t have to someday wonder what might have been. But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the relationship reminders above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Linda says
When I read #20, I nearly came to tears. I’m not exaggerating.
Thank you for your blog, emails, and books. I think they might be saving me gradually.
JAMES MORIASI says
Loving or pay more attention to myself really resonated with me. Ignoring negative commentary also bolstered my resolve not to react or overreact when people falsely claim untrue things about my actions. It was quite uplifting. Thanks.
Geri says
Forgive & move forward. Most of the time I manage this well, every now & then I get bouts of “why would he hurt me in this way? Why is he still trying to slander me” The reminder to kick him out of my head was timely. Thank you!
Paige McParland says
Number 20 and number two resonated most. My relationship with myself has always been pretty poor. That has to change. My life is going by and the childhood trauma is still continuing. I have to learn to protect and love my inner child.
Ri says
#2 opened my eyes . Thanks for this eye opener Marc & angel. I was still hoping for another chance but now I realize I’m setting myself up to hurt /pain again. I have given that relationship a chance many times in the last 10yrs , and I keep hurting bc someone did not really value me and just use me. I really got played , until I found out he was saying things behind my back , and couldn’t discuss things w me. We’re done after the lies one last time. I hav to let go , & hope to move on .
LouAnn says
#20. So true. The article has a lot worth if only people could understand what value of oneself.
Gina Jones says
These are wonderful practices for relationships. Reminds me of a book I just read by Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love , guide to the art of relationships. Very helpful in the ongoing work it takes to be good to ourselves and be our best to the on we love. If we don’t accept and love our selves, how can we love or see love in others.
Thank you, M&A. Your reminders always help me stay centered.
Carla says
I really love these gems …. It is often so hard to extricate yourself from those long standing negative souls especially in a marriage but in order to grow fully and live life it is the only way because otherwise you end up constantly unfulfilled … My best friends do not judge my decisions but are there supporting me through my period of learning about myself and encouraging me to grow … I gain my strength to carry on from them…. I am also learning to love myself again …..
Thanks again Marc and Angel.
Angela Mae says
So glad that I found this blog and your emails. You’ve really helped me sort out a few issues I’m dealing with and I can’t say thank you enough.
S says
Beautifully written. We are born expecting our family to give us the love, nurture, support, etc that we all need. Often times we are let down. Remember that people are human trying to do what they feel often times is right. Although it may not be, reach out and seek those who will give you the love and support you deserve. Start by loving yourself, truly.
Pat Frayne says
Good relationship advice. What stood out for me was- Although we can’t be friends with everyone who crosses our path, we don’t have to hold on to negative feelings because things didn’t work out the way we expected them to, and we don’t have to place blame someone.
BRC says
One of my favorite lists of all time from you!
#8 Forgive people and move forward. I did this, and it is so freeing. What they did was NOT okay, but carrying around hate and anger is too heavy of a load. You helped me see that. Thank you.
#10 Pay attention to who your friends are. An easy way to see who is your true friends are…have a crisis and see who is there after it’s over. It works!
Ntombi Kambule says
Thank you! #20 touched me! I know that sometimes I neglect myself. Thank you for the reminder. I keep reading the advice of forgiving those who hurt me. Forgiving frees me.
I love how you calmly put your advice across allowing the reader to choose what to do. Refreshing
Diane says
An excellent list.
I think #8, Forgiving and moving on is very powerful. It’s amazing how good you feel about yourself if you have the resolve to do this.
Jeffery says
Fantastic advice! These tips can apply to all of your relationships, whether it be online or in person. Thank you for sharing these.
Kari says
I especially like “giving what you want to receive.” I think that we all demand a lot more from people then we give at times, and that can put a strain on our relationships. It’s so much better to give than to receive – but you receive so much more when you give openly and lovingly.
Mikey says
I just said this on your related Facebook posting, but came back here and wanted to comment as well.
Your thoughtful and caring posts are frequently awesome, in my opinion, but this one truly hit home for me and I have shared it with friends, family, colleagues and fellow networkers. Everyone seems to agree with me about the quality of the message and potential power of following your advice here.
Thanks again for making a difference and helping others do the same.
Mikey
Tanya Y Long says
All of thee were very helpful to me. Because I have been in relationships and lost myself in the person I was with. I found the list very helpful for my next relationship. Thanks
carl joseph grana says
Today’s article was very inspiring. I like to think that I am practicing most of the points, but now your words are enforcing my thoughts and ways.
david fernandez butler says
THAT WAS AMAZING LOVEY PUT FANTASTIC WORDS
Ann C says
Today is my 75th birthday. And these all were great points to ponder and live. Several of them have had to be initiated this year, especially number 20. As a caregiver I needed something just for me and I discovered kayaking!
Thank you for the many blessings your writings have given me for several years.
Onshella Vernon says
Thank you for these life-changing insights..I can hardly wait for the next gems of wisdom that you offer to hungry readers like me..
Jan Espey says
Wish you had a paperback book so I can keep looking back and reading them again and again. I try to save my emails but my email gets full. Do you have a book about all this info. These emails are so helpful
Heidi says
“Forgive People and Move Forward” resonated for me as I realized I do waste time holding on to grudges and past hurts from others.
All suggestions were valid and so worth the read. Thanks!
Eufrocino Quita Munlawin says
Really worth reading. A friend once told me that a Family is isn’t all by blood but a circles of friends who respect and appreciates what you do….will not have a second thought reading it again and again. Thanks for this. God Bless you more….
Ikwor, Nnachi says
No 20 is the central to all. This number is usually forgotten and yet expected to perform wonders. One needs to vote for him/herself, first and foremost in all circumstances.
john says
#18 great one- I can always my sister-in-law saying to my (now in college) niece – You have 2 ears but only 1 mouth – that means you should listen more than you speak- Isn’t that the truth!
Sharon says
“Give people you don’t know a fair chance.” reminds me that every human being are different from each other. Thanks Marc and Angles for this wonderful advice.
Geri says
Thank you so much for providing such uplifting content. Number 20 is so timely…. we have to learn to love ourselves first instead of holding other folks hostage for our needs, especially if we haven’t taken the time to see what they are. What we need is often so changeable. I like the reminder, it helps me to reframe my inner narrative.
Cris says
I have enjoyed reading the blog and reading each comment. These are good life reminders that is easy to relate to.
Gigi says
Forgiving doesn’t mean what that person did to me is ok, it means I’m not going to allow it to drag me down This is exactly what i needed to hear and need to do. Praying that I DO IT, and stop wasting so much time being wounded.
Lou says
I Liked # 20 that hit me hard and #8 I’m working on the forgiveness part so hard but what you said so true
DD says
Profound article!! Thank you so much for helping me through some of the difficult phases of my life for the past 10 years, with your emails and life changing articles. May God bless you Marc & Angel!
J.P. says
It took me a long time to understood number 10 – Understand who your real friends are. I let the negative feedback from some people overshadow the good, caring experiences I had with others. Because I felt the negativity more deeply, it colored my whole experience. How different my life would have been if I’d been able to shut out the negative voices and focus on the positive. Maybe it comes down to number 20, needing to love yourself enough to know how to prioritize the good people in your life.
Henly Dopo says
Another powerful and encouraging reading. All points are equally important. The two that I want to maintain and improve on are points 13 & 15. (Keep Your Promise and Tell the Truth & Give What You Want To Receive – The Golden Rule).
Thank you for sharing.
Rex Obada says
#5 ACCEPT PEOPLE JUST THE WAY THEY ARE resonates with me.
Thanks for this great insight!