We don’t even realize how often we’re blocking our own present blessings by holding on so tightly.
Letting go is not giving up. Letting go is surrendering any needless attachments to particular outcomes and situations. Surrender means showing up in your life with the intention to be your best, and to do the best you know how, without expecting life to be ideal. Have goals, have dreams, take purposeful action, and build solid relationships, but detach from what life must look like every step of the way.
The energy of someone aspiring to create something wonderful this year, teamed with a healthy balance of surrender, is far more effective than someone determined to create outcomes with a desperate must-have mentality. Surrender brings inner calmness, awareness, and understanding. And lest we forget that our outer lives are a reflection of our inner state of being.
Thus, take a moment to remind yourself of some things many of us typically attach to long after it’s time to let go, so you can loosen your grip on them as you move forward…
1. The expectation of how things “should” be.
Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
2. The way things once were.
You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.
3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.
Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.
4. The need to control everything.
Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
5. Fantasies of a perfect path (or time to begin).
Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.
6. The desire for quick and easy results.
Everything gets a bit hard and uncomfortable when it’s time to change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, one step at a time. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.
7. Self-doubt.
Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it in the present. And in the midst of particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I try to remind myself that my track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far. The same is true for YOU. We have what it takes! (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
8. Daily relationships that make us feel less like ourselves.
Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.
9. Old life chapters that are still lingering half open.
You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really you just loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page. Be brave. Embrace your goodbyes, because almost every “goodbye” you receive in life sets you up for the next “hello.”
10. The belief that we always need more than we have.
We don’t always need more — we need appreciation. Because we often take for granted the very things that most deserve our attention and gratitude. How often do you pause to appreciate your life just the way it is? Look around right now, and be thankful… for your health, your family, your work, your comforts, your home. Nothing lasts forever. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day” is a great tool for this kind of perspective shift.)
How to practice letting go when life tests you.
Reflecting on the reminders above can be incredibly grounding, but what can you actively do to let go when the immediate tension inside you is spiraling?
Here’s a brief outline of some initial steps Marc and I personally take (and often recommend to our coaching clients and event attendees) to cope with the immediate tension that arises from disappointing outcomes in our lives:
- Acknowledge the tension inside you. — If you notice yourself getting angry and flustered, it’s a sign that you need to pause, take a deep breath, and practice the remaining steps.
- Resist the urge to act in haste. — The greatest harm comes whenever you act out of anger — actions that might include giving up too soon, consuming unhealthy substances, or even attacking someone else. So whenever you notice anger building up inside you, try not to take any form of destructive action. Instead, turn inward and mindfully assess whatever it is that’s arising.
- Sit with your feelings, and give them space. — Turn directly towards the tension you feel, and just be a witness. See it as something that’s passing through you, but is NOT YOU. It’s a feeling, a dark cloud passing across a vast sky, not a permanent fixture. Treat it that way. Instead of obsessing yourself with the dark cloud’s presence, try to broaden your perspective — give it the space it needs to pass. Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly again.
- Be OK with not knowing. — Now that you’ve given yourself some necessary space, tell yourself, “I don’t know why things are this way.” And be OK with this unknowing. Give yourself full permission to not have concrete answers in this moment. What would it be like to allow this moment to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others? What is it like to not know how to respond to life’s chaos? What is it like to be here right now, without jumping to conclusions?
The bottom line is that when life dishes you a harsh dose of reality, the best first steps involve sitting silently and witnessing the thoughts passing through you. Just witnessing at first, not interfering and not even judging, because by judging too rapidly you have lost the pure witness. The moment you rush to say, “this is absolutely terrible” or “things should be different,” you have already jumped head first into the chaos.
It takes practice to create a gap between the witnessing of thoughts and your response to them. Once the gap is there though, you are in for a great surprise — it becomes evident that you are not the thoughts themselves, nor the tension and chaos influencing them. You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of letting go, changing your mindset, and rising above the turmoil.
Now it’s your turn!
Yes it’s your turn to breathe deep, to be present, and to remind yourself that every day is a series of a million tiny miracles. So just do your best to see them today. See how inner peace comes with letting go of what you assume your journey is supposed to be like, and sincerely accepting it for everything that it is…
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Carolyn J villemaire says
This is full of amazing powerful tidbits. I am going to teach them to my 9 yo grandson. And of course apply them in my own life. I had a very hard time with the change that empty nest brought to me and certainly didn’t handle it with any grace at all. Ten years later although I’m on a good trajectory now I still am building a new life. But I suppose everyday we all are, in our own way, building a new life. Thank you so much for the articles you put out. I always find them very helpful and up-lifting.
Tariq says
Reminds me about the prayers of serenity. Letting go is the key to a successful life. Fight for what you believe but surrender to the higher power. You are alive, be grateful for the blessings.
Peter says
Thank you so much, this is very timely and just what I waned .
Barbara Wajntraub says
So wise. I needed to hear this. Thank you.
A.P. says
The essay is freeing most meaningful to me because it made me realize holding on to things out of my control, keeps me suck in my daily life. Definitely opposite to the person I want to continue to become. I appreciate the words of wisdom which I value as apart of my life skills. I enjoy and appreciate learning and growing in my daily walk in my life’s journey.
Jen says
This is so poignant to my current situation it’s unbelievable. I will definitely do my best to apply what I have just read. Thank you
Tors says
I was searching for something to inspire me after a session with my life coach this morning, and then I saw your email with a link to this post.
It really hit home that I need to take time to listen to myself more and be less harsh on myself. I, like many, put far too much pressure on myself to act out a life that is ‘Supposed to be’ a certain way. This is what is harboring me and constantly haunting me but I have to let this go.
Thank you so much, I really needed to see this today! x
Iris Brooks says
Thank you for this article and the pearls of wisdom. Lesson #3 really hit home for me.
Susanne says
I am very grateful for your posts. Life can be so hard and tough sometimes, but your writings are so very inspiring and a good reminder of ways to think about things. As a 73-year-old I have experienced many difficulties in life that caused incredible sadness and recently I’ve again experienced something that left me wondering what life is all about. I’m finding it hard to get my head into a better place. This latest post of yours is great and I’ve written a few things down so I can be reminded every day. Particularly “When you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself”. And to change the way you think about things. That is so important. Thank you.
East Walker says
Hi,
I just found your site and blog. Such good advice! Some of my favs in this article:
*Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
*Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable.
*Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting.
*You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of letting go, changing your mindset, and rising above the turmoil.
For me, need to Practice, practice, practice. Thank you!
Rosie says
I’ve been reading your posts for years and bought your books. All brilliant. But your emails with links to your essays seem to always appear when I need that extra boost and reminder. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Keep on doing you. You’re a great team.
Jennifer Rosello says
So grateful to have chanced upon this article. I am in great need of wisdom to impart to my children who are at the crossroads of life. Your tips are valuable gems to live by.
Maria G says
Angel and Marc, this post is spot on for me. It truly resonates! In my personal life I’m getting better with accepting life and making the best of it. Through your teachings and the teachings of other experts I’ve learned how to better harness my presence. And being present has been the key to much of my recent breakthroughs. It’s seems overly simple when I say it, but practicing presence has been a true challenge, especially when life doesn’t turn out in my favor.
Before I attended one of your live events a couple years ago my thoughts and anxiety about life really got in my way of making effective decisions. I was reacting to everything, instead of responding mindfully. I appreciate the guidance you’ve given me and continue to share online via your emails and blog.
Kathryn Penske says
Going through a very tiring and extremely hard and intense divorce this was just what I needed to read!!!!
I definitely will apply this in my life.
Thank you.
MMago says
This is uncanny and unbelievable! These words are so bang on, these are just the words and thoughts I need to hear at this moment. I am grappling with letting go of thoughts and frustrations about the future and desperately seeking comforting thoughts and ways to overcome my inner turmoil and feel some peace of mind and relax! Thank u from the bottom of my heart. I am sure it is some divine intervention that has brought these words of yours into my experience today!
Kate says
It feels refreshing to read a well thought out article that’s obviously written by caring human beings and not AI. It felt like I was talking directly to you for a moment.
Thank you for the wise words and genuine inspiration today.
Gail says
I’m not usually one to post a comment, but this article was just what I needed. Particularly the point about it being easier to fill the space in your life where someone used to be, than the space inside yourself where you used to be. Powerful!
Thank you!
Terry says
“A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses.” Love this and wish I could get it tattooed on my mind! I’m writing it down on a posted note so I can see it every day. I’ve been through a rough patch for the past few years, starting with my father’s dementia diagnosis and death along with caring for my mother in law. I really enjoy your posts and feel your insights have gotten me through the dark times! Thank you so much
Sue Law says
Thank you so much for today’s email and post – all the best advice as always. Forced to take it easy having broken my wrist at the weekend, I am taking time to read, absorb and reflect more than usual. A bonus in this otherwise frustrating situation.
Monika Monhoff says
Thank you for your posts. My daughter just passed away recently. I have been reading your writings for some time now. Today they helped to calm me down a bit. I will definitely take your suggestions to heart.
Charles says
Hi,
This is a great post. All the points speak to me, but one that talks about old mistakes and errors in judgement has taken a great toll on my happiness. I have been hard on myself about my past mistakes. Now i know that this should not be the case because the decisions i made then, whether good or bad, were made based on the information and understanding i had at that time. No one makes a decision with an intention to make himself worse off.
This realisation makes me feel lighter.
Maria A. says
I’ve loved your posts ever since I got to know about them. Very deep and insightful, especially in my current tough situation. Well done, you guys. But I get a bit confused (though relieved) where you said we should ‘accept rather than expect’ things in our lives, because many church gospels teach us to expect better as children of God, to claim the better promises, since Christ died for us. So, is this a way for us to make us feel good just by accepting all that happens to us? Thanks
Ebony Applebery says
I absolutely enjoyed reading this article as it is full of nourishing wisdom. THANK YOU!!!!
Maria says
I absolutely loved this article! It has so much good advice! I will definitely refer to it as I channel through the ups and downs of life.
Dan says
This was great to read at this moment in my life. I’ve had a rollercoaster ride the past couple of years (father and sister passed, went through a cancer diagnosis and chemo myself, now approaching retirement, etc.).
I would say that #9, ‘Old Life Chapters’, really resonated with me, as I was thinking today at work about all the people that have come into and out of my life the past years.
Anyway, I think that this is the first time I’ve commented on one of your emails / posts, but it really hit home, so I bless you for it =).
Namaste,
Dan
Prabhakar Iswalkar says
Dear Marc and Angel, you are the principals of this great knowledge school of discipline, confidence building, resilience, managing stress, anxiety, life lessons, and many more. I am sure every article of yours and its points resonate at some stage of life with everyone.
I feel so blessed to have been a part of your school. I am learning; please don’t stop teaching.
Many thanks
RamuNarayan Swett says
Brilliant
MS Farah RIZVI says
This is exactly what I needed to read. I am going through a strange patch in my life where I am feeling a bit lost and worried. Usually I am not like this at all and hopefully I’ll talk myself out of it soon and this article definitely helps. I want to live a contented life and be happy and grateful. Amazing advice. Need to print this and read it over and over again until it sinks in and I feel myself again. Thank You Marc and Angel.
Pj maria says
Thank you tremendously for this post; which I’ve saved to read every morning. I have hope now in healing the brokenness in my heart. These words were a gift and I’m truly grateful.
Sonia says
Thank you.
Sophia Morris-Pittman says
Powerful, bright and well done…
Thank you
Rolando R. says
Well written and to follow article. I tell folks about the 3-L’s I learned about life. Learn from the past, Live for today, and Look to the future. Letting go is tough for everyone. And sometimes moving on is even tougher. I’m reaching a crossroads myself in which I will have to be honest about choosing a path of retiring or keep driving on a little more. When you see your buddies retiring and you seem to be the “only one left,” it makes me wonder if I am sticking around because I want or because I’m afraid to admit it is time to move on. I will continue reflecting on this in the months to come.
Jen Leen says
I have been through a very tough time recently, worrying incessantly about the mental health of a family member, so much that it has taken a toil on my own physical health.
After reading this article, i am so glad to know how to control my thoughts and emotions better in order to preserve my health and well being.
I can relate to entire article and especially the part that explains…
when life throws a harsh reality at you, it is good practice to create an immediate gap between your tensed thoughts and your response… cos by doing so, i am no longer myself in those tensed thoughts or influencer of those chaos but i become ” a witness, a watcher who is capable of letting go, of changing my mindset and rising above the turmoil “.
Jen Leen says
I have been through a very tough time recently, worrying incessantly about the mental health of a family member, so much that it has taken a toil on my own physical health.
After reading this article, i am so glad to know how to control my thoughts and emotions better in order to preserve my health and well being.
I can relate to entire article and especially the part that explains…
when life throws a harsh reality at you, it is good practice to create an immediate gap between your tensed thoughts and your response… cos by doing so, i am no longer myself in those tensed thoughts or influencer of those chaos but i become ” a witness, a watcher, who is capable of letting go, of changing my mindset and rising above the turmoil “.
Thank you so very much !
I am so glad to have come across your article and have downloaded it, to read it again as reminder each time i need it.
I have also subscribed to more of your articles.
Yamu Monday says
This is great. Thank you for this essay. I love the part which emphasizes on moving on with the new chapters in our lives and letting go. It’s okay not to know somethings at a Point in time in our lives. Knowing also that some people are brief chapters in our lives while others are there for the whole story and every goodbye is a an open door for a new hello.
Ludo says
It’s so amazing how these tidbits are disrupting in good way our so-called normal yet limited way of approaching life.
I like the part about being ok and being at peace with not having concrete answers to some moments and allow them to unfold.
Being ok with not knowing what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others. Being ok with being here right now in the present without jumping to conclusions.
Great stuff to be learning to let go with some practical tips ?