Happiness does not start with a relationship, a degree, a job, or money. It starts with your thinking and what you tell yourself today.
“I had a date scheduled for last night with this guy I started talking to on a dating app. I waited outside the diner where we agreed to meet for 30 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet. He never showed up. All sorts of negative thoughts were running through my head. I thought maybe he saw me from a distance, didn’t like what he saw, and then bailed.
Just as I was about to leave, one of my old college friends, Jared, who I haven’t seen in nearly a decade, walked up to me with a huge smile on his face and said, ‘Carly! It’s great to see you! You look fantastic!’ I almost blew him off because of how I felt inside at the moment. But luckily I pulled myself together to engage in a conversation.
After we talked in that same spot for awhile, he said, ‘What are you doing for dinner?’ We ended up going into the diner I was supposed to eat at with the no-show date and having an amazing conversation filled with laughter. After dinner he walked me to my car, we exchanged numbers, and he asked me out on a formal date for this Friday night.”
Our Stories Make or Break Us
The story above comes from Carly, one of our recent Think Better, Live Better 2019 attendees (and of course, we’re sharing her story with permission).
Think about how her initial reaction was rooted so heavily in negativity. Her date didn’t show up and she immediately crumbled inside. Now think about the amazing opportunity she would have missed if she had let that negativity endure. And think about how often your negativity gets the best of you.
How often do let your insecurities stop you?
Or, how often do you judge others for their imperfections?
What you need to realize right now is that you have a story about yourself and others (or perhaps a series of stories) that you recite to yourself daily. This is your mental movie, and it’s a feature film that plays on repeat in your mind. Your movie is about who you are and how the world is supposed to be: your tummy is too flabby, your skin is too dark or too pale, you aren’t smart, you aren’t lovable… you aren’t good enough. And of course, you catch yourself picking out all sorts of imperfections in others, and the world at large, too.
Start to pay attention when your movie plays—when you feel anxiety about being who you are or facing the realities of life—because it affects everything you do. Realize that this movie isn’t real, it isn’t true, and it isn’t you. It’s just a train of thought that can be stopped—a script that can be rewritten.
Ready to rewrite the script?
Let’s start by being honest… Sometimes negativity absolutely dominates our better judgment!
So, how do we outsmart our own negative tendencies so we can feel better, behave better, and ultimately live better? There are many ways, but Angel and I often recommend two simple (but not easy) practices to our live event attendees and course students:
1. Practice questioning your stories.
You know what they say, don’t believe everything you hear nor everything you read. Don’t believe the gossip columns in every magazine, the doom and gloom predictions from your co-workers, or the “shocking news” that you hear on TV… until you have verified it.
Well, the same concept applies to your inside world—your thoughts.
We all have stories about ourselves and others even if we don’t think of them as stories. Case in point: How often do you pause to logically contemplate what you really think about your relationships, your habits, or your challenges? How often, on the other hand, do you just blurt out whatever fleeting emotion comes to mind—i.e., the pre-recorded movie script you’ve been holding on to—without even thinking straight?
Stories can be short, such as “I’m not a good writer,” “I’m not good at yoga,” or “I have intrinsic relationship problems.” And if we were to dig deeper into your own personal version of these stories, I bet you’d be happy to go on and try to explain why the stories you’ve been holding onto are real. Even though the aren’t. They’re just stories.
So the key practice here is to question your stories. For instance, let’s take the writer example. Ask yourself: Why do I think I am not a good writer? What would it look like to be a good writer? Can I describe my current writing in a way that serves me better?
You will be surprised by how often the questioning process helps you emerge with a clearer and more accurate version of your story. Give it a try!
2. Practice running your thoughts through three key filters.
Sometimes you are in a hurry, and not having a great day to boot. On days like this, there’s a mental conditioning exercise I recommend that’s super quick and can help keep your attitude in check…
I’ve been in arguments with my my wife, Angel, in the past and one of the things I certainly regretted was not filtering my words before saying them. At the time of these arguments, I did not have the right tools, except for thinking “Be nice!”, which does nothing for you when you’re feeling the opposite of nice. Some years later I found this simple tool that helped me shift my behavior. Here’s how it works:
Before you utter anything, run your thoughts through three key filters and don’t speak unless you get three resounding “YES” responses:
- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it helpful?
For example, let’s say a running thought in your head says that your partner doesn’t care about you, and you are about to shout those words out because he or she didn’t do the last chore you requested. Question that thought first: Is it true that my partner doesn’t care about me? Is it kind for me to say or think this? Is it helpful for me to say or think this?
Remember you can’t take your words back. What’s more, you will never regret behaving in a true, kind and helpful way down the road. So make it a ritual in your life in the days and weeks ahead.
Now, it’s your turn…
Leverage the two practices above to gradually rewrite the script of your mental movie. Learn to recognize the worn-out flicker of your old movie starting up, and then stop it. Seriously! Whenever you catch yourself reciting lines from your old script (“My arms are flabby…” or “My spouse deserves the silent treatment…”), flip the script and replace those lines with truer, kinder and more helpful ones. This takes some practice, but it’s worth it. Just keep practicing, and forgiving yourself for making mistakes along the way.
And keep in mind that various kinds of external negativity will attempt to distract you from your new script and your better judgment—comments from family, news anchors, social media posts… lots of things other people say and do. When you sense negativity coming at you, learn to deflect it. Give it a small push back with a thought like, “That remark is not really about me, it’s about you.” Remember that all people have emotional issues they’re dealing with (just like you), and it makes them difficult and thoughtless sometimes. They are doing the best they can, or they’re not even aware of their issues. In any case, you can learn not to interpret their behaviors as personal attacks, and instead see them as non-personal encounters (like an obnoxious little dog barking in the distance) that you can either respond to gracefully, or not respond to at all.
So, what was your biggest takeaway from this short article?
Anything else to share?
Angel and I would love to hear from YOU!
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week in 2019.
Laura White says
Marc & Angel, you have done it again and emailed me another article right when I needed to hear it. Just this morning I got into an argument with my wife about something that was undoubtedly based on my own insecurities and my perhaps unreasonable expectations of her. I need to question those stories in my head. Also, I just ordered a recording of your 2019 conference. I’m looking forward to spending a few minutes a day over the next couple weeks re-writing that internal movie script you speak of.
Thank you.
Marc Chernoff says
So glad you’re investing in yourself, Laura. 🙂 Also, please email us and let us know if you have any questions as you watch the conference videos.
Vicent says
“Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?”
I’m adding that line into a list of morning mantras I’ve been revisiting and repeating to myself from your GBTH book. Truly grateful for the added wisdom and guidance.
Marc Chernoff says
Truly wonderful to hear you’re finding value in our book. Thanks for the feedback.
CARA says
I agree happiness and peace of mind comes from within. I’ve really been letting that story in my head about myself and my fears of failure rock my world. I’ve recently started a new career and anxiety has been getting the best of me to say the least. I will use these two tools and revisit the exercises in your book as well in the days ahead. Thanks for reminding me to acknowledge this. I’ve certainly been in denial mode.
Marc Chernoff says
You are welcome. Thank you for the positive feedback, Cara.
Kirstin Bonanno says
Thanks again Marc and Angel, just when I need it most ??
BIPASHA DAS says
your tummy is too flabby, your skin is too dark or too pale, you aren’t smart, you aren’t lovable… you aren’t good enough
All these years I had struggled depression. They told me I wasn’t good enough. But who are they to decide, right?
This article made me happy today. Just the little things in life, to make you happy, to make you smile. Little things.
Marc Chernoff says
Yes, the little things. 🙂
Sulaiman jagwe says
I agree with you marc you very important in my life every time I want to check my email because of you but I struggling with life right now because I have no family no children and no job most times I feel stressed, anxiety but you give me hope every time when am down I hope one day everything is going to be fine. Thank you marc and engel
Laurie says
Very good. Believe it or not, my therapist hurt me Tuesday terribly as she was annoyed with me. I have taken it very badly as I am quite attached to her. She’s never been so vocal and hard.
Your article helped me put it in perspective as she too is human, and I’ve seen her changing too; and some of Tuesday was also about her.
Thanx for this article.
Vanessa says
Hi Laurie – you know, I had a similar thing with my therapist a couple of years ago (and I still remember it vividly, because of how shocked and hurt I was. That’s the last person who’s supposed to snap at us!) But after the fact, thinking it over, I realized that… I think she let it happen on purpose. I had been going in circles for weeks about a particular thing, and her professional tools weren’t doing the trick. It was her very human reaction that finally made me blink and snap out of my denial. (It ended up being one of my best breakthrough sessions, although I didn’t realize it until two days later.) So, yes. Even the most wonderful therapist is human, and sometimes it comes out. In my case it was tough love, to help me when other approaches couldn’t. Perhaps your therapist was doing the same? I’m certain that you and she will be right back on track in your next session. Wishing you all the very best!!!
A. Juma says
Thanks.
I was giving up in life. That’s all I needed. My life has been so painful all along. You gave me reason to live on. It’s all on my mind
Rosie says
Thank you for your wise words Marc and Angel. I’m in a marriage with a husband who is happy to everyone except me. I get his dark side. Many times I shrink inside myself. Your three questions offer a window of comfort. I used them tonight in my thoughts after an outburst. They helped me realise his negativity is not a reflection of me. It’s his. That knowledge gave me the confidence to leave the room and not engage in a defensive argument with him.
A. Juma says
Thanks.
I was giving up in life. That’s all I needed. My life has been so painful all along. You gave me reason to live on. It’s all on my mind.
The best part I will use every time
“Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?”
That
Is all I need to change my entire mindset
Aigul says
Thank you very much these articles help me a lot I have an OCD and your article is helping me a lot I am too obsessive about other people thought about me now after this I will question obsessive thoughts with these questions. I really love this site.????????
Aya says
Thank you.
Reno Rick says
ANTS [automatic negative thought(s)] are extremely challenging to get rid of. The same old song plays over and over and over in our minds. It is like a needle getting stuck in the groove of a vinyl record. But, I think your three questions – Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful? – will help greatly with exterminating those pesky ants.
Camara Aboubacar says
Hello marc & angel. 🙂
Marc D says
Thank you so much for the insight. My dialogue is internal and it is important not to let other people’s judgements or my own fears take charge. Your wisdom is exactly what I need to turn off negative thoughts and chatter.
Just purchased your book GBTH and can’t wait to read!
Grateful!
+-Life. says
Thanks for this interesting article!
I realise that my mood and the way I feel seem to be mainly influenced by my thoughts and how invested I am in them.
So if I’m deep in thought or affected by my thoughts in any way, that affects my overall mood.
What seems to be working for me is “countering” every negative thought that pops up!
Bernard says
If you two had any idea how helpful this stuff is, well, you’d realize that you’re amazing. Always look forward to your emails in my box. Thank you.
Perla Milner says
Again and again I thank u both for these daily reminders and make a difference in so many of us… we stop, think , and try to change our thinking… think better Live better! ??
Carol says
The articles that you and Angel write are wonderful pieces of advice and give us new tools and ways to see the world… I needed something and this article gave it to me. Thank you.
Humaira says
Dear Marc and Angel,
Can you please write a blog about setbacks in recovery of depression? I fixed my issues and willingly decided to be happy after a relationship ended roughly. I found new friends, new life and felt grateful in a real sense. But things been falling apart again. What should I do? Please reply.
Kenny says
Dear Grateful Soul,
My thoughts is that I am glad to read this great article this morning because it just calm me more on how to handle a angry situation…..
Thank You!!!
Ronaldo G Borja says
A masterpiece! Everything is internal so let us develop a habit of personal growth and development!
#habits
Michael says
I love the three filters! The filters will no doubt help with my marriage, relationships but a my job as well. As a school teacher, the three filters can prove to be very helpful.
Thank you!
Feven Aberham says
As usual, it is wonderful… helps to lead our life with upper hand.