Love is great when spoken, but greatest when shown. Do little things daily to show your loved ones you care.

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting on a park bench in the early afternoon when an elderly couple pulled their car up under a nearby oak tree. They rolled down the windows and turned up some jazz music on the car stereo. Then the man got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, opened the door for the woman, took her hand and guided her about ten feet away from the car, and they slow danced to a song under the oak tree. It was such a beautiful moment to witness.

This morning when I opened my laptop to write, the elderly couple immediately came to mind. I spent a few minutes daydreaming about them, wondering how long they had been together and what their best relationship advice would be. And just as I caught my mind wandering even further off, a new email from a reader named Cory popped up in my inbox. The first line of the email was a question: “Any good old-fashioned advice for strengthening our relationships?”

The synchronicity of my daydreaming and Cory’s question made me smile. So in honor of that beautiful elderly couple, and in service of Cory’s relationship inquiry, here are some old-fashioned habits we can practice bringing back into our relationships: (more…)

You can’t calm the storm. What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will gradually pass.

Over the past decade, there’s a way of being I’ve gradually been cultivating in myself — I’ve been taming my tendency to get riled up and argue with people when their behavior doesn’t match my expectations.

As human beings we all have an idea in our heads about how things are supposed to be, and sadly this is what often messes us up the most. We get frustrated when things don’t play out the way we expect them to, and when people don’t behave like they’re “supposed” to. We expect our family to act a certain way, our friends to always be kind, and strangers to be less difficult.

And when reality hits us, and everyone seems to be doing the opposite of what we expect them to do, we get triggered — anger, frustration, arguments, tears, etc.

If you can relate in any way at all right now, it’s time to remind yourself of the truth: (more…)

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
— Bruce Lee

The biggest and most draining disappointments in our daily lives are often the result of misplaced expectations. This is especially true when it comes to our relationships and interactions with others. So don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being utterly disappointed and drained by them.

Which means it’s time to…

1. Stop expecting everyone to agree with you.

You deserve to find joy in your own way. You deserve to (more…)

You won’t find your worth entirely in someone else — you’ll find it in yourself, and then you will attract those who are worthy of your energy.

Sometimes we try to show the world we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone, but we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of who we think others want us to be, we open ourselves up to real relationships, lasting happiness, and inner peace.

There’s no need to put on an act every day. There’s no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You have nothing to continuously prove. And if you catch yourself doing so, remind yourself…

1. It’s important to honor your own feelings and boundaries.

When you run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you, or treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all, don’t (more…)

You can’t calm the storm. What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will gradually pass. So do your best to breathe when negativity surrounds you. Let calmness be your superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things too personally keeps your mind clear and your heart at peace, which ultimately gives you the upper hand.

Also, remind yourself that people are hard to be around when they believe everything happening around them is a direct assault on them, or is in some way all about them. Don’t fall into this trap. What people say and do is much more about (more…)

There’s something to be said for slow and steady progress, but there’s also something to be said for decisive and sweeping action. When it comes to negative relationship habits, there’s no time like today to quit cold turkey. Of course that’s a lot easier said than done, but with practice we can do better almost immediately.

Lately I’ve been making it a point to bring more awareness to the specific negative relationship habits our coaching clients have been repeatedly complaining about or engaging in. And perhaps more importantly than that, I’ve also been noticing how frequently many of the same habits and behaviors surface in my personal relationships. I mean let’s be honest, we all misbehave in our relationships sometimes. None of us are immune to occasional negative mood swings. But that doesn’t excuse what we do to each other on a daily basis. 

Over the years, through our coaching practice and live events, Angel and I have literally worked with hundreds of individuals looking to fix or strengthen their relationships, and we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to make that happen. One of the most significant realizations, again, is the fact that most problems in our relationships (both intimate and platonic) arise from the same basic negative habits and behavioral issues. Here are some of the more prevalent ones to be aware of… (more…)

“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.”
— Margaret Mead

Our children grow up so fast. Before we know it they’re out there somewhere in the real world, and we’re left hoping that we’ve done enough to prepare them for everything they’ll encounter. Marc and I talk to course students and coaching clients on a daily basis — mothers and fathers alike — who share these sentiments. They worry about their children. They wonder if they’ve done a good enough job parenting up to this point. And Marc and I can relate too, because oftentimes we feel the same way. We’re concerned about our son Mac’s well-being and education, and we discuss it frequently just like most parents do.

In fact, from what we’ve researched and studied, the well-being and education of their children is more important to most parents than just about anything else — more important than health care, cost of living, public safety, and even their own (more…)

In the end, more than almost anything else, we regret the special relationships we neglected too often.

Family isn’t always blood. They’re the people in your life who appreciate having you in theirs — the ones who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways, and who not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be. These people — your real family — are the ones who truly matter.

Here are twenty timeless tips to help you find and foster these special relationships, before it’s too late:

1. Free yourself from negative company.

Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and open-minded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you — people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. Life is too short to continuously spend time with people who (more…)

Perhaps it takes courage to raise children…

Our youth can’t possibly know how age thinks and feels. And likewise, as we age we are often guilty of being so busy-brained that we forget what it was like to be young. Spending time with my young son helps me tap into my younger mind — he keeps me on my toes. For that I am grateful, but I still struggle as a parent. I struggle to be present. I struggle to be patient. I struggle to remember. Almost every single day.

Truth be told, every parent battles with parenthood in their own way. Because parenting is not easy.

What helps me is journaling about the lessons parenthood is gradually teaching me, and then referring back to what I’ve learned when I’m struggling and forgetful.

Today, I want to share some quotes from my parenting journal with you. Perhaps they will assist you someday, the way they have assisted me again this morning… (more…)

The most powerful weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought or action over another. Train yourself to see and be the good in this day.

A couple thousand years ago in ancient Greece, the great philosopher Socrates was strolling contemplatively around a community garden when a neighbor walked up to him and said, “You’re never in a million years going to believe what I just heard about our mutual friend…”

“Wait,” Socrates interrupted, putting his hand up in the air. “Before you continue with this story, your words must pass the triple filter test?”

“The what?”

“The triple filter test,” Socrates said.

The neighbor just stared at him with a blank expression.

Socrates continued, “The first filter is (more…)

Be OK with walking away. Rejection teaches you how to reject what’s not right for you.

As you look back on your life, you will realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected by someone or from something you wanted, you were in fact being redirected to someone or something you needed. Seeing this when you’re in the midst of feeling rejected, however, is quite tough. I know because I’ve been there…

As soon as someone critiques, criticizes, and pushes you away — as soon as you are rejected — you (more…)

When you try to control too much, you enjoy too little. Sometimes you just need to let go, relax, take a deep breath, and love what is.

This morning I met up with an old friend, someone whom I care about deeply but have internally struggled with for years because I’ve always been worried about her health.

I want to help her heal, because I feel I’m losing her.

I want to teach her the time-tested tools for living a happier, simpler, healthier life that I’ve helped so many other people with — so she can give up her addictions, take up exercise and mindfulness, nurture her needs, and suddenly be transformed into a healthy person again.

But that’s not reality. I want to control something that frightens me, but I can’t do anything about it. Because I’m not in control of anyone but myself. I want to help my friend, but she’s not interested in being helped. She has actually told me so a dozen times in the past.

So today, I let go.

Not “let go” as in “let her go.” I “let go” as in I stopped (more…)

You’d like Michelle a lot. Most people do. She’s the kind of person who listens when you talk, who smiles often, and who says things that make the people around her smile. She’s incredibly intelligent, but in a way that makes others feel comfortable. It’s the way she expresses herself in simple terms you can understand — almost like she’s articulating the thoughts you already have in your head, but haven’t quite found the right words to say aloud.

And it doesn’t matter who you are either. Michelle always has a way of relating to you. Because, in a way, she’s been there with you all along. She can think like you, so she understands you. It’s truly a special gift. So many of us have limitations in our perceptions. We understand the soldiers but not the politics governing the wars. We understand the people who go to the movies but not the ones who (more…)

The ability to not overreact, or engage too deeply in life’s drama, keeps your mind clear, your heart at peace, and you fully composed in otherwise uncontrollable situations.

Why do we get so easily stressed out and sucked into drama?

It’s because the world isn’t the predictable, orderly, blissful place we’d like it to be. We want things to be easy, comfortable and well ordered. Unfortunately, work is hectic, relationships are challenging, people demand our time, we aren’t as prepared as we’d like to be, our family frustrates us, and there’s just too much to do and learn and process in our minds.

So we get stressed out, and drama ensues.

But the problem isn’t the world, or other people’s thoughts and behavior – these aspects of life will always be uncontrollable and a bit of a mess.

The problem is that we’re holding on too tightly to ideals that don’t match reality. We have subconsciously set up expectations in our minds of what we want other people to be, what we want ourselves to be, and what our work and relationships and life “should” be like.

Our attachment to our ideals stirs anxiety in our minds and stress in our lives.

Our resistance to accept things as they are fuels our drama.

And we don’t want to be a part of this drama – at least that’s what we tell ourselves – so we blame others for it … which in turn creates even more of it.

But there’s good news! We can let go of drama, and find peace with reality.

The Peace and Joy of No Drama

I’m going to suggest a simple practice for whenever you feel stress, frustration, worry, and all the other detrimental mindsets that bring drama into (more…)

Let’s start off with a simple question:

Why do we always take things so personally?

There are admittedly quite a few viable and valid answers to consider. But, the one Angel and I have found to be most common through a decade of one-on-one coaching with our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees is the tendency we all have of putting ourselves at the center, and seeing everything — every event, conversation, circumstance, etc.—from the viewpoint of how it relates to us on a personal level. And this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling hurt when other people are rude, to feeling sorry for ourselves when things don’t go exactly as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect.

Of course, we are not really at the center of everything. That’s not how the universe works. It just sometimes seems that way to us. Let’s consider a few everyday examples…

Someone storms into the room in a really bad mood, huffing and puffing, and addresses us in a rude way. Immediately we think to ourselves, “What’s going on here? I don’t deserve to be treated like this! They should know better!” And we (more…)

“Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the stars.”
— Violeta Parra

It’s a dull, subdued sensation, when your heart is breaking, like the muffled sound of a distant gunshot. It doesn’t physically pierce your skin or tear you to pieces, but the sensation is physically present – the paralyzing discomfort of realizing that something you took for granted is leaving for good.

Although it’s hard to accept at first, this is actually a good sign, having a broken heart. It means you have loved something, you have tried for something, and you have let life teach you.

Life will attempt to break you down sometimes; nothing and no one can completely protect you from this reality. Remaining alone and hiding from the world won’t either, for endless, stagnant solitude will also break you with unhealthy nostalgia and yearning.

You have to stand back up and put yourself out there again. Your heart is stronger than you realize. I’ve been there and I’ve seen heartbreak through to the other side. It takes time and patience.

Deep heartbreak is kind of like being lost in the woods – every direction leads to nowhere at first. When you are standing in a forest of darkness, you cannot see any light that could ever lead you home. But if you wait for the sun to rise again, and listen when someone assures you that they themselves have stood in that same dark place, and have since moved forward with their life, oftentimes this will bring the hope that’s needed.

It’s so hard to give you advice when you’ve got a broken heart, but some words can heal, and this is my attempt to give you hope. You are stronger than you know!

Please remember… (more…)

Let me share three quick stories and some life-changing lessons with you…

• This morning at a train stop near the hospital, a man and his three young kids got on. The kids were loud and completely out of control, running from one end of the train car to the other. An annoyed passenger sitting next to me looked over at the man and asked, “Is there a reason you’re letting your kids go nuts right now?” The man looked up with tears in his eyes and said, “The doc just told me their mother isn’t going to make it. Sorry, I’m just trying to think before we all sit down at home to talk about this.”
• Two of my ex-coworkers actually laughed at me last year when I told them I dreamed of opening my own hair salon. When I spoke with you and Marc on a coaching call that same day, Marc said something like, “We’ve known quite a few people who went after their dreams and succeeded. One thing they all had in common was they got laughed at in the process.” That advice really pushed me forward. And I’m proud to say I opened my salon almost six months ago, and business is really taking off. But to think I almost didn’t do it … I almost took my ex-coworkers’ negativity to heart!
• Today one of my regular customers, a really grumpy elderly man who has been eating in our diner every morning for the better part of five years, left me $1,000 in cash for his $7 breakfast. Alongside the cash he left a small note that read, “Thank you, Christine. I know I haven’t been the brightest smile in your life, but your smile and hospitable service over the years gave me something to look forward to every morning after my wife passed away. I wanted to say thank you. I’m moving eight hours down the road this afternoon to live with my son and his family. May the rest of your life be magical.”

These stories have (more…)

When we are judging everyone and everything, we are learning nothing.

One of the most incredible changes I’ve made in my life, which has undoubtedly made me a happier person and a better friend, is learning to let go of judging people.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I don’t ever judge others – we all have a tendency to do so by default… it’s a human instinct, and I’m not the exception. But I have learned to catch myself, and to recognize how judging is harmful.

Notice I say “harmful” instead of “bad,” because instead of judging myself, I’d rather observe that the act of judging causes harm.

What underlying harmful conditions are indicated by my tendency to judge people? It varies, but in many cases these points apply…

• I don’t know everyone’s full story and I’m therefore ignorant of what most people are going through.
• I have unrealistic and unjustified expectations of people.
• I subconsciously believe that I’m somehow better than the people I’m judging.
• I’m being a bit self-absorbed and egotistical.
• I’ve lost sight of being grateful for my own blessings and compassionate to those who aren’t as fortunate.
• I’m not being curious or willing to learn, but instead I’m judging and rejecting people who are different than me.
• I can’t possibly help the present situation from a place of judgment.

How Judging Someone Transpires

Let me give you a personal example of how judging someone plays out so we can see how the harmful conditions above transpire:

I visit an old friend who (more…)

NEW BOOK ALERT: This post is a direct excerpt from the Self-Love & Self-Worth section of our brand new book, “1000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships“.

Let’s start with a story that Marc wrote about the night we met . . .

She has light brown hair, a seductive smile, and the most engaging set of hazel-green eyes I’ve ever seen.  It’s the kind of engaging I can’t ignore—the kind that makes me want to engage too.  Because she’s mysterious.  And I’m curious.  And I need to know more.

Yet, I do my best to avoid making eye contact.  So I stare down at the pool table and pretend to study my opponent’s next move.  But only long enough for her to look the other way, so I can once again catch a glimpse of magnificence.

I do this, not because she intimidates me, but because I think she may be the girl Chad met last night.  A wild night that, he said, “involved two bottles of port wine, chocolate cake, and sweaty bed sheets.”

Then, just as her eyes unexpectedly meet mine, (more…)

(NEW BOOK ALERT: This post is a direct excerpt from the Children & Family section of our forthcoming book, “1000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships“.)

Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Sometimes, however, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

Letting go of (or breaking up with) a toxic friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend is one thing, and there’s plenty of advice out there for doing so, but what about letting go of a toxic family member?

Most of us are not in a position to just walk away, nor do we feel that we want to, or that it’s the right thing to do. So what do we do when a family member is literally spoiling our lives with their toxicity? How do we deal with our feelings of obligation, confusion, betrayal, and heartache?

First and foremost, you must accept the fact that not everyone’s family is healthy or available for them to lean on, to call on, or to go home to. Not every family tie is built on the premise of mutual respect, love and support. Sometimes “family” simply means that you share a bloodline. That’s all. Some family members build us up, and some break us down. So just because someone is blood-related to you, doesn’t automatically make them the healthiest influence in your life.

Second, you must understand that a toxic family member may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their troubles, you may still need to protect yourself from their toxic behavior at times).

The key thing to keep in mind is that every case of dealing with a toxic family member is a little different, but in any and every case, there are some universal principles we need to remember, for our own sake: (more…)